"I have no problem with your pelvis at all, actually."—Bruno Tonioli disagrees with the other Dancing with the Stars judges, who complained that James Maslow's bottom half was somewhat out of sync. Then again, I'm sure Bruno never met a groin he didn't like.
Can I tell you a secret? Shhhh, don't tell anyone, but one of my life's ambitions is to be viewed solely as a sex object. However, there's a problem—one that cosmetic surgery and a personal trainer can't solve. Even in my youthful prime, I was always funny and no one looks at funny people as particularly sexy. If they did, Joan Rivers would have an STD named after her. Last week, Rob Lowe received criticism after telling the New York Times he believes good-looking people like him are discriminated against. "I was a teen idol, I was so goddamn pretty I wouldn't have taken myself seriously." I'm shocked. He thinks he didn't get jobs because he was too pretty? Did he miss the Academy Awards where he "sang" with Snow White? Being pretty was the least of his problems.
Do you know what last week was? It was Japan's annual Penis Festival. How on Earth have I missed it all these years? On the first Sunday in April, thousands of people celebrated Kanamara Matsuri, which translates loosely as "Festival of the Steel Phallus". There's even a parade ... kinda like in Italy, where they carry statues of saints through the streets during various feasts. In Kawasaki, the people carry a gigantic pink penis down the street, children suck on penis-shaped lollipops, eat penis-shaped desserts and play with penis-shaped balloons ( otherwise known as inflated condoms ).
It's said that this tradition was started by prostitutes praying to be saved from sexually transmitted diseases during the 17th century. But some people believe that the tradition is even older. There is a legend of a sharp-toothed demon that hid inside the vagina of a young woman. On her wedding night, the demon castrated two young men—why two men had access to this woman's vagina on her wedding night is one of those mysteries that I'm sure got lost in translation lo these many generations since. The point is, the woman wanted to avoid castrating anyone else and asked a blacksmith to make her a steel phallus to break the demon's teeth. I guess having a toothless demon living inside her vagina wasn't much of an issue for horny Japanese men.
How ironic that England, a place our forefathers left in search of religious freedom, just legalized gay marriage in one fell swoop while we're meandering along state by state. Although to be fair, England is about the size of Louisiana. Anyhoo, many celebrated Brits are talking about tying the knot. Although they are already civil partners, Sir Elton and David Furnish say that they'll marry sometime in May. Even Tom Daley could marry Dustin Lance Black. But he really should wait two more years so he'll be able to legally drink on their honeymoon.
Mark it in your date book: May 16. That's the day Barbara Walters will disappear from your TV screen. Well, for years she hasn't shown up in mirrors, so it's just another step towards the hereafter. When she first announced her retirement, Babs was adamant that this was it. Now, well, she's not so sure. As she told Variety, "I don't want to say I will never come back. If the president came on, depending on the circumstances, I might come back. If Fidel Castro said I will do an interview with you, which he has not in 25 years, I would go and do it. I'm not going off into the sunset." She also revealed that she will keep her office at ABC News—just in case. And you know what that means? Elizabeth Vargas had better watch her back.
Walters was asked about the abrupt departures of Joy Behar and Elisabeth Hasselbeck last year. Despite assertions to the contrary, we all knew Hasselbeck was dumped. What about Joy? Barbara was quick to point out that she doesn't call ALL the shots on the show. "The network is also involved.
I think the feeling was if one went, both had to leave. We needed to shake things up." And speaking of shaking things up, Walters has another thought: "Sometimes we think we should add a man." It would certainly add something to the show—like a penis ( although Behar had bigger balls than most ). As I write this, Mario Cantone is lighting candles and saying novenas!
Jimmy Fallon recently did a tandem interview with the acting Evans brothers ( as opposed to those hot rugby-playing Evans brothers ). Chris was the one actually being interviewed by Jimmy Fallon, but Scott turned up to play the "Sibling-wed Game", a strangely titled spin on "The Newlywed Game" starring siblings—although I believe the shows are identical in certain counties in Alabama! Despite the enjoyment of watching these sibling interact in a delightfully silly way ( we'll post the entire clip on our website ), I was struck by something unexpected. In many ways, Scott is the cuter brother! I know—I was shocked too! It's a hard gig being the brother of Captain America—to say nothing of The Human Torch! And I'm not even a leg man, but you really must check out Scott's thighs. You can then compare them to those nude snaps we have of him on BillyMasters.com .
Believe it or not, Brooke Burke-Charvet made the news last week. After her Maserati hit an embankment, what's the first thing she did? Tweet, naturally. "Rough morning. Accident on my way to work. Tons of cops and of course photos. TMZ will have fun with this one. Poor Mazeratti. Yes I was sober". Nonetheless, the police insisted on administering a field sobriety test. An annoyed BBC begrudgingly took the test—and she passed. If they really wanted to embarrass her with a test, they could have just pulled out her SAT scores!
When Brooke Burke-Charvet is capable of passing any test, it's definitely time to end yet another column. Her Tweet does beg the question—what is this "job" of which she speaks? From her outfit, it looks like perhaps she was coming from a job! You can decide for yourself after checking out the photos at www.BillyMasters.com—the site that couldn't care less if you're sober. Although I didn't answer a question in print, I do respond to each and every e-mail. So feel free to write to me at Billy@BillyMasters.com and I promise to get back to you before a demon hiding in a vagina bites off my penis ( as if ). Until next time, remember, one man's filth is another man's bible.
