"The movie didn't do well at the box office, so I should quit? Hold on a second. If I was somebody else, you wouldn't have said that. I have the number-one album this week, and I shouldn't have released it? Come on, man. You sound like a dickhead."—Justin Timberlake responds to criticism regarding the film Runner Runner and his CD, The 20/20 Experience: 2 of 2" You know what they say—if you can't take the heat ... do a musical on live TV.
Last week, I was shocked to read a headline stating that the pope was campaigning against me. Me, America's most beloved gay gossip columnist! Now, admittedly, Time magazine's person of the year didn't say, "Stay away from Billy Masters—he's the devil." The headline actually said, "Pope warns against mediocrity and gossip in the Vatican"—at the end of a year where I had done no less than three stories about mediocrity in the Vatican! This condemnation took place during the Christmas gathering of the Vatican Curia, which I believe is kinda like an Italian Tupperware party. During his address, Franny said, "There is a slow drift downward towards mediocrity that fills us with trite and lifeless information." I don't know who is more insulted by this—me or Kim Kardashian! In case he didn't make his point, he added, "We must exercise a conscientious objection to gossip." I guess he won't be renewing his subscription to BillyMasters.com .
Last month, Sam Champion and his hubby enjoyed a vacation down in Rio. Pics of the couple frolicking in the surf prove once again that it's possible to look good at any age—even in a Speedo! Hopefully Sam's as fit as he looks, since he has quite a bit more on his plate. As I'm sure you already know, he recently left Good Morning America to become managing editor at The Weather Channel. He'll also be anchoring the network's new morning show that will debut early in 2014. His replacement at GMA is weekend weathergal Ginger Zee, who so memorably had difficulty communicating with David Muir during the Oklahoma tornados.
In yet another announcement which surprised no one, CNN will again have Anderson Cooper and Kathy Griffin helm their New Year's Eve telecast. Kathy said, "I'm so thrilled Anderson Cooper has agreed to be my assistant once again as I single-handedly host New Year's Eve on CNN for my global adoring audience." Coop said, "Wait...what? CNN hired her again? For real?"
Although this is their seventh year on the network, someone appears to be conspicuously missing from the line-up. Due to the impending departure of Miami Bureau Chief John Zarrella, it looked like we would be robbed of a report from Key West and the annual "Drag Queen Drop." Happily, I am told Zarrella's final assignment for the network will be to cover Sushi possibly plummet to her death inside a giant ruby red pump. CNN is also sending Gary Tuchman to Vincennes, Ind., to bring us the "Watermelon Drop." Perhaps he'll be joined by Gallagher.
Well, this is it—the final installment of Billy's Holiday Gift Giving Suggestions for 2013. Since we're down to the wire, you're going to have to be creative. I'm never a big believer in making a donation on someone's behalf—unless, of course, they are getting something more than a piece of paper saying thanks. But my first suggestion is on behalf of Zack Ward, who memorably appeared as Scut Farkus in A Christmas Story ( as well as playing Dave in my beloved Titus ). Since this is the 30th anniversary of the holiday classic, Zack started a campaign on IndieGoGo called Bullyproof. He's trying to raise money and awareness against bullying on a local level and use it to sponsor community programs. Along with your donation, you will get exclusive Bullyproof Farkus merchandise—from signed scripts and photos to T-shirts, action figures, a big furry hat and possibly a visit from Zack himself. Definitely check it out at www.indiegogo.com/projects/bullyproof-the-real-christmas-story.
If you want something more traditional, Streisand's Back to Brooklyn"CD is quite a landmark for the 70-year-old singer. And if you spend a little more, you get the CD/DVD combo packet. Or you can download the CD for immediate playing. Check out Amazon.com .
What would a holiday column be without an "Ask Billy" question. Rolf, who is allegedly in Sweden, asks: "What do you know about these nude photos of Dylan Sprouse? Are they real? Does he actually show his penis?"
First, I had to figure out who Dylan Sprouse is. I mean, who do I look like? An Oscar-winning writer? Dylan was one of the two brothers who were on the Disney Channel show The Suite Life of Zack and Cody ( which eventually moved onto a ship ). Apparently he was Zack—or was it Cody? Anyway, he's now a 21-year-old student at NYU studying video-game development. He caused a bit of a kerfuffle last week when a couple of racy selfies surfaced online. One had him flexing in a mirror while the second found him completely nude but cupping his genitals ( well, maybe half a cup ). Dylan tweeted, "Whoops, guess I'm not 14 and fat anymore." Of course, his twin brother entered the fray by saying, "Cold in that bathroom, huh?" Ah, brotherly love...
Anyway, Dylan later addressed the issue directly: "The reason I'm making light of the situation is because I don't think what I did was wrong. To be blunt, I was proud of my progress in the gym, thought I looked hot, and wanted to share it. The real problem here was not me sending my pictures to someone, but rather, sending them to the WRONG someone." While that wrong someone was not moi, I'm not above posting them—along with two others which have been heretofore squelched, but are FAR more explicit ( if they are real ) on BillyMasters.com .
When a former teen star's balls are dropping, it's definitely time to end yet another column. Who needs sushi or watermelons to ring in the New Year when we have the traditional dropping of a former teen star's balls? Only on www.BillyMasters.com . If you've got a question for me to tackle, e-mail it to Billy@BillyMasters.com and I promise to get back to you before the pope sends in a question of his own! So, until next time, remember, one man's filth is another man's bible.
