"Billy shows much enthusiasm but is lacking in some areas of writing skill. He completes his written assignment very quickly and should be encouraged to take more time to strive for neatness and better penmanship."—The assessment from my 10th-grade Honors English teacher. True to form, throughout the 18 years of writing this column, I've never missed a deadline. My handwriting is still messy, but all I do is type. And unlike the kids today, I can read and write in cursive.
Way back in August 1995, I was asked by one of my best friends to write a column for the gay paper where he worked. It was an emergency—the person who wrote their gossip column had stolen money from the paper and simply disappeared. They were in a rush and they were desperate—two qualities I look for in my men. Since my stand-up material was filled with celebrity gossip, I banged out a column quickly and swore it was a one-shot deal. Three columns later, I got a call from another gay paper asking if they could pick up the syndication rights. And that, dear reader, is how the Billy Masters empire was born. Back then, I had to fax in my column because most of the papers didn't have email. Some didn't even have a fax machine and would make me mail them a hard copy. How times have changed. These days, the minute a reality star takes a photo of his penis, it turns up on BillyMasters.com . God bless the Internet—and God bless you all.
For the better part of a year, Cher talked about her magical collaboration with Lady Gaga on the song "The Greatest Thing." Although Gaga's demo has been floating around for eons, this duet promised something special. That was until Gaga decreed that the final product was not good enough and sounded "dated." Ouch! How fortuitous that someone leaked it. While we're not surprised Gaga was pissed off, Cher was also annoyed. And that's because some people claim Cher leaked the track herself. She Tweeted her outrage: "DO YOU THINK I WOULD DO THIS TO A FELLO ARTISTS, & 1 I RESPECT AS MUCH AS GAGA?? I've sat on fkng song 4 over a yr. NOW SOME ASSHOLE LEAKS THE WRONG VERSION! GaGa's SINGLE IS GREAT, & THAT'S ALL THAT MATTERS." Within a few hours, the label forced the Cher version to be deleted from every website—well, every website except for one. I think it's kinda fabulous, but you can decide for yourself at BillyMasters.com .
An interesting conversation was captured between WWE wrestler Darren Young and a cameraman from TMZ. The "reporter" (and I use that term loosely) asked if he thought a wrestler could come out as gay and still be successful. Young smiled and answered, "Absolutely—look at me. I'm a WWE superstar and, to be honest with you, I'll tell you right now—I'm gay and I'm happy ... very happy." That says it all—he's Young, gay, and happy!
It may be my anniversary, but you guys are getting the presents with not one, but two "Ask Billy" questions. The first comes from Caleb in Albany who says, "I hear there are some nude photos of Justin Bieber floating around. Have you seen them? I think he's beautiful. What an ass!"
Since he's of age, I'll tackle the Bieb. Little Justin has been fixated on trying to become a sex symbol ever since he got his first ab—or was it his first pubic hair? Either way, it was sometime over the last year or so. In addition to the selfies he posts with annoying regularity (exuding all of the raw masculinity of a young Anne Heche), the photos in question stem from a family gathering. He was spending Canadian Thanksgiving at his grandmother's house and overslept. Because he's a little scamp, he decided to come downstairs completely naked—but holding a guitar. Allegedly, Gran took one look at him and suggested he put on some clothes because he looked a little cold ... if you catch my drift! His balls may not have dropped, but the photos have—on BillyMasters.com .
The second question comes from Josh in Baltimore: "I don't think you watch Big Brother, but there was a guy on there that was totally your type. David was voted off first and was a real stud in that beach bum kinda way. Are there any nudes of him out there?"
One of my dearest friends is a HUGE Big Brother devotée, but I must say she has completely failed me by not bringing David Girton to my attention. For heaven's sake—he's a 25-year-old lifeguard from San Diego. The hair, the body, the tan ... I would have been all over that (as the kids say). Because he only lasted 13 days in the house, you'd think we wouldn't have any incriminating photos. Well you'd be wrong, because we do. Since being evicted, he's said, "I was hoping this would help me get a modeling or acting career out of this." Well, Davey, your wish is my command. You can see every inch of Girton on BillyMasters.com—and that's quite a few inches.
When I'm planning a leg cramp the next time I'm swimming in San Diego, it's definitely time to end yet another column. In what is becoming an unfortunate trend, I must take a moment to acknowledge the passing of someone who was very special to me. Many of you probably know of Damon Intrabartolo as the writer of the musical bare. He was enormously talented in so many areas, but also incredibly complex; a dear person who was also kind of a lost soul. Last week, he died at the age of 39—way too soon and far too tragic for me to even joke about. He'll be missed and not soon forgotten. While I hate being abrupt, I must wrap up not only this column but also another year. So let me quickly remind, as I have every week for the past 18 years, that you can keep up with my comings and going at www.BillyMasters.com, the site that's got bigger balls than Bieber (although that's not saying much). If you've got a question, send it Billy@BillyMasters.com and I promise to get back to you before my next anniversary. Until next time, remember, one man's filth is another man's bible.
