"Firstly, he's a glorious man and he's very kind and sweet. That's what you say if you want to continue to work in the film industry."—Russell Brand talks about his Rock of Ages co-star, Tom Cruise. What's really pissed Russell off is that Tom didn't try to inculcate him into Scientology. "If there's a cult that don't want me, I want to know why."
Nothing thrills me more than celebrities pulling the "don't you know who I am" act on people who really don't know who they are—or don't care. This week, we had two prime examples. First up is Reese Witherspoon. She was a passenger in the car of her hubby Jim Toth when they were pulled over outside of Atlanta for suspicion of DUI. While Jim was being led to an adjacent parking lot to take a field sobriety test, Reese protested the action by screaming out the window. When she saw Toth being arrested, she got out of the car (after being told repeatedly to stay put) and first muttered something about being a U.S. citizen standing on American ground. She then indignantly added, "Do you know my name?" The officer said, "I don't need to know your name ... right now." Reese continued, "You're about to find out who I am. You are going to be on the national news." I guess he did need to know her name—when he arrested her for disorderly conduct. I guess one of them ended up on the news.
Then there's Tara Reid, someone who is certainly not high in the public consciousness. The poor, misguided gal went shopping at All Saints in Los Angeles and was allegedly ejected after insisting that she should get a discount. "Don't you know who I am?" she reportedly yelled at the shop girl—who, truly, had no idea. After the fact, her reps stated that Tara routinely gets a huge discount at All Saints stores in the United Kingdom and France "because she's a walking billboard for them." I was wondering what she's doing for work these days. Apparently, she's a billboard.
Everyone's been talking about Ryan Lochte's reality show, which debuted this week. I hope the powers that be at E! subscribe to the adage that there's no such thing as bad press—because none of the press was good. Most memorable was his interview with Good Day Philly, which left the anchors in such hysterics that the video went viral within minutes. Then there were Ryan's own comments—specifically about Kim Kardashian being his role model: "She can't walk down the street without someone noticing her. You ask anyone in this whole entire world and they're gonna know who Kim Kardashian is. That's what I want." So I guess being a gorgeous Olympian with seven medals isn't enough. It should be noted that E! really is responsible for the proliferation of Kardashians.
In some positive news, Chaz Bono has reportedly lost more than 60 pounds. This transformation came about through regular dance classes and martial arts training. He's also changed his diet. He tells People magazine, "I've just changed the way I eat. Diets don't work. You just have to change what you eat, and I have."
When it comes to impressive physiques, one of the most gorgeous men I've ever met in Hollywood is Tuc Watkins—formerly of Desperate Housewives and One Life to Live. This week, he admitted he's gay to all of America—well, to as many people as watch Marie Osmond's talk show on the Hallmark Channel! Curiously, I had no idea he was "in." If I did, I surely wouldn't have spoken so openly about him being gay in previous columns. When speaking about "DH", he said, "I played a gay man who was married to his husband, who was trying to adopt a kid. And in real life, at the same time, I'm a gay single man who was trying to have a kid through surrogacy." As it turns out, he's now the father of twins—daughter Catchen and son Curtis. But as far as I'm concerned, the most important part of his statement is that he's single. I gotta get back to LA ... fast!
Our "Ask Billy" question comes from the UK. Danny in London writes: "I am obsessed with Splash. Although we had cuter guys here, I have been watching the U.S. version. What's going on with Joey Lawrence's hair?"
Poor Joey—he gets his shot hosting a network television show, and all anyone talks about is his hair ... or lack thereof. When he was on Dancing with the Stars, he was shaving his head. This gave him a sexy (albeit limited) look. When he knew he'd be hosting Splash, he decided to grow it out. In addition to growing in slow (and thin), he opted to dye it an awful orange hue—although maybe he can blame that on the chlorine. This past week, the color has been corrected to a medium brown, which is more TV-friendly, but no thicker.
Because of Danny's letter, I decided to take a look at the UK version of Splash. He's right—much hotter guys, and much better diving. Also, they used a third judge for comedic appeal—kinda like the role I would have played in our domestic version. Regarding the contestants, I'm quite taken by Jake Canuso. Not only does he appear at the very least to be gay-friendly, he ranks high in terms of Speedo appeal. Plus we have nude photos of him on BillyMasters.com—there's that swing vote! Olympic boxer Anthony Ogogo also knocked me out. He and Jake seemed to be locked in a game of "my Speedo is skimpier than yours." Alas, Anthony had to bow out of the competition due to injury—but not before unveiling his pink Speedo. Lastly, there was Joey Essex, a reality star who really is gorgeous. Add in their diving coach, Olympian Tom Daley, and the Brits have us beat once again.
When Reese is considering using her Oscar as a hood ornament, it's definitely time to end yet another column. Since this column was as fully packed as Tom Daley's Speedo, I barely have time to remind you to check out www.BillyMasters.com—the site that always makes a splash. For your more personal needs, write to Billy@BillyMasters.com and I promise to get back to you before I apply to be a nanny in the Watkins household! Until next time, remember, one man's filth is another man's bible.
