"I want to report a rape. My body of work has been violated by 'The Artist'. This film took the Love Theme music from 'Vertigo' and used the emotions it engenders as its own."—Kim Novak complains about recycling music for the new movie. People who work in rape-crisis centers have chastised Novak, saying that she's diminishing actual rape victims. Since we share a birthday, I feel qualified to say that maybe Kim was just looking for a little attention.
I probably don't need to remind you that I respect very few people. But when I see folks making a living by doing something they're passionate about ... well, that's pretty special. And I'm not only talking about artists—I dated an accountant who got an erection when his debit and credit columns balanced out! This week, I went to see one of my favorite bands, Sister Hazel. Let me first say that these guys are fantastic musicians. But I don't think any of them are millionaires, and they'll probably never be superstars. However, they appear to be making a good living by doing something they love for people around the country.
The capacity crowd at the House of Blues in Hollywood treated them like rock royalty—singing along with even obscure songs. These guys earned my respect—especially since, days earlier, I was at an event featuring the song stylings of some little bitch who I won't name since I know almost nothing about her. But I did hope she'd cut herself onstage—at least that would have been interesting.
Leslie Jordan has a brand new one-man show—"Fruit Fly." Any time I walk into a theatre with Carole Cook, I know I'm gonna have a good time. ( I love a good "Limpet" story. ) Leslie's natural charm and effervescent personality always sparkles, and this new show is no exception. In Fruit Fly, he explores the relationship of gay men and their mothers by recounting his own colorful childhood. I absolutely loved it—and so did Carole, by the way. The show runs at the Celebration Theatre in West Hollywood through Feb. 18 and I definitely recommend it. You can get more information and tix at CelebrationTheatre.com . If you don't live here, have no fear—like all of Leslie's shows, it will likely soon come to a city near you.
I also attended the People's Choice Awards for the first time, and it drove home an important point to me. The American people should not have the right to vote. And I mean this across the board—from American Idol to the U.S. president. I think our track record has proven that we're simply incapable of making an educated decision. Come on: Lea Michele—Favorite TV Comedy Actress? Yeah, she's the next Lucy! Pu-leeze!
Then I scurried off to Las Vegas for the Miss America Pageant in Las Vegas. I had such fun last year, I couldn't stay away. But nothing prepared me for this year's twist. After the 15 semifinalists were cut down to 12, one of the remaining three was also put through by having the cast-offs line up behind their favorite on stage! Oh, it was a tense moment as the whole pageant took an ugly turn ... and I LOVED it.
As for the contestants, there were some doozies. While Miss Texas played the piano ( badly, I should add ) , the onscreen graphic stated that she can play the piano AND hula-hoop at the same time—a missed opportunity if ever there was one. We also learned that one of the contestants is afraid of windmills—which means Miss Illinois won't be going to Holland any time soon.
Then there was Miss South Carolina, who lost more than 100 pounds to enter the contest. After her elimination, Brooke Burke innocently asked what she'd do next. Miss South Carolina was already on the phone—probably placing an order with Domino's! Personally, I think someone should look into the obvious judicial bias against midgets with implants. And while they're at it, they may want to explain why Kris Jenner is booked to judge ... well, anything.
I zipped back to Beverly Hills for the Golden Globes. Everyone was wondering how Ricky Gervais would fare as host. In the end, there wasn't anything too scandalous. He referenced Jodie Foster's beaver, annoyed Elton John and took an easy pot shot against Madonna ( which she foolishly attempted to respond to ) . On top of all that, there was Peter Dinklage's tribute to dwarf-tossing victim Martin Henderson. You don't get that at every awards show!
The HBO after-party was the usual glitz-fest. It got off to a ubiquitous started with Mrs. Jeff Garlin trying to cut the line. ( Judy Gold was having none of that—although I'm the one who spoke up. ) The party itself was populated with some intriguing combinations of people. You'd have the boys from True Blood alongside my buddies Brad Goreski and Gary Janetti from It's a Brad, Brad World. Across the room would be the cast of Modern Family next to Prince Frederic ... sans Zsa Zsa. Then you'd see Kathy Griffin breeze by Puff Daddy. It was simply odd and, yet, fantastic. All in all, it was a great way to kick off the awards season.
When Bravo launches Million Dollar Listing: New York, a familiar face will likely be part of the show. The name of New York-based Swedish real estate broker Fredrik Eklund may not ring a bell with you, but you might know his work as gay porn star Tag Erikkson. His casting on the show was cemented once he helped broker a NYC penthouse sale for over $17 million. Between the high-profile deal and his porn past, Bravo smelled a hit.
I got a whiff of something else when I was emailed a nude photo of the delicious Trace Lehnhoff, formerly on Bravo's Flipping Out. ( Jeff fired Trace for allegedly designing closets for customers on the side—which may have included someone sitting behind me at Miss America—celebrity hairstylist Chaz Dean. ) While this isn't the first time we've featured Trace's physical assets on our website, this will mark the debut of his appendage—which is mighty impressive. Lehnhoff told some friends that things are not exactly as they appear in this photo. Frankly, I think he should keep his mouth shut. You'll be inclined to do the exact opposite after going to BillyMasters.com .
When I can mention Chaz Dean and not use the word "spooky," it's definitely time for me to end yet another column. Actually, I think he looks less spooky in person—or maybe I just need a nap. While I'm trying to recover from all these festivities, I'll still be updating www.BillyMasters.com, the site that's anything but tired. If you have a question, just write me at Billy@BillyMasters.com and I promise to get back to you before I hit an all you can eat buffet with Miss South Carolina! So, until next time, remember, one man's filth is another man's bible.
