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  WINDY CITY TIMES

Billy Masters
by Billy Masters
2011-12-21

This article shared 2376 times since Wed Dec 21, 2011
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"Let me tell you something—nobody wants a homosexual child that will later on grow up and get discriminated against by someone like you. So watch out. When somebody doesn't like hot chocolate, God gives you three cups!"—Dra. Ana Maria Polo, host of my new favorite television program, chastises the mother of a child who may have gender-identity issues on Telemundo's daily courtroom show, Caso Cerrado.

It's the last few days of the year and people around the country—nay, around the world—are preparing to spend time with their loved ones ... or their families. I got myself in the holiday spirit by going to the 16th Annual Toy Box benefit in West Hollywood, Calif. All it takes to attend is to bring an unwrapped toy, which will be distributed to families affected by AIDS. Off I went to buy some plush toys and then headed to the party—late, as usual.

As I entered, I saw a woman I adore but have never met leaving. No, not Lindsay Wagner—I'd be too paralyzed with fear to approach her. This was Hollywood legend Dyan Cannon. So I yelled out, "Dyan???!!" in an overly familiar way that would imply we had coffee earlier in the day. She turns and sees a stranger running towards her with what appear to be the puppets from Rielle Hunter's bedroom! Dyan couldn't have been more lovely as I gushed that my life was changed by her film, The End of Innocence. (Don't try and find it—it's not on DVD.) This was a good opener because that movie was Dyan's baby—she wrote it, directed it, starred in it and even sang on the soundtrack. It was her Yentl! When I finally let her get a word in, she said, "Well then, you should really get my book, Dear Cary. You'd love it." "Honey," I say, now assuming we really are friends, "I already have it—the hardcover and the audiobook." There's nothing quite like hearing these stories read by a real-life movie star. I'm including both versions as "Billy's Holiday Gift Giving Suggestions". Either way, you can't go wrong.

Every year during the holidays, Broadway shows raise money for Broadway Cares/Equity Fights AIDS. At the end of a six-week period, the totals are announced at the annual "Gypsy of the Year" event. This year, the highest grosser was Hugh Jackman. Not only was his show, Back on Broadway, open for half of the qualifying period, but in those three weeks he raised more than twice the amount of the number-two show—the Daniel Radcliffe-led How To Succeed in Business. When asked his fundraising secret, Jackman said, "You have no idea how much sex I've been having"—which many thought was a joke! Another way he's been raising money is by auctioning off things like his T-shirts or kisses at the end of each performance ... and there are plenty of people willing to pay. To date, he's raked in more than $1 million, and hopes to raise the same amount during the next three weeks. Bravo!

In some sad news, it's been announced that Nate Berkus' daytime show will leave the air in May at the end of this season. But it's not completely unexpected since I've yet to find anyone who will admit to watching more than a single episode! With Dr. Oz and Dr. Phil both doing well in the ratings, Nate's cancellation makes him the first Oprah spinoff to fail—if you don't count OWN, of course.

Time for our final installment of "Billy's Holiday Gift Giving Suggestions." I've already told you about Dyan Cannon's book. So now we go to the Gaydar Gun. This toy has been around for a while but it got an unexpected boost when Rosie O'Donnell featured it on her show—which means dozens of you already know about it! In fact, it's entirely possible that more of you will find out about this gift from my column. The way it works is you point it at people and it will announce their sexual proclivities in a variety of dishy quips that, frankly, I don't dare quote here. It's fun, it's cute and it's a perfect gift for the person who has everything. Rosie says she sent one off to Michele Bachmann. Ho, ho, ho, indeed. But we'll go one better—if you buy it at GayDarGun.com, use the coupon code "SEXY" and you'll get $5 off!! See? Rosie didn't give you that!

I would hope by now you all know that Absolutely Fabulous will be returning for two Christmas specials and a third in time for the Olympics. The first special is slated to air in the States Jan. 8. Of course, you won't have to wait until then—we'll be posting the entire episode on Christmas Day on BillyMasters.com .

Our "Ask Billy" question comes from Hunter in Colorado: "I recently saw 'Onion News Network' and there was a mega-hot shirtless reporter talk about sex trafficking. I think his name was Brady. Can you track him down?"

Not only can I track him down—I know him. That was the very sexy Aaron Lazar, who graced the Broadway stage in A Little Night Music and The Light in the Piazza (replacing my other pal, Matthew Morrison) and appeared on the big screen in J. Edgar. IFC's "Onion News Network" is a TV news spoof, and Aaron plays their roving rugged reporter, O'Brady Shaw—who's kinda like their Anderson Cooper. The clip you're referring to is one of my favorites, as Aaron gets to show off his incredible body—something Anderson might wanna consider doing. We'll run the clip, and some sexy pics of Aaron, on BillyMasters.com .

When I'm waiting to see Anderson's ball drop, it's definitely time for me to end yet another column. Earlier today, my life was passing before my eyes. No, I wasn't dying—I was just reviewing the columns from this past year in preparation for next week's Year In Review. Of course, I could have just gone to www.BillyMasters.com, where you can find all of my columns since 1998. If you have any questions—like why anyone would want to read news from over a decade ago—send it along to Billy@BillyMasters.com and I promise to get back to you before Dyan invites me over for dinner! So, until next time, remember, one man's filth is another man's bible.


This article shared 2376 times since Wed Dec 21, 2011
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