Greetings from Italy. I'm writing this column while sitting in a well-known train, being whisked across the Italian countryside at the speed of light (or what passes for the speed of light in Italy). And I was just joined by a new seatmate—a nun!! We haven't spoken yet—because my Italian-English dictionary doesn't tell me how to say, "Excuse me, sister, but you need a shave." However, I have a funny feeling we're kindred spirits. Why? Because across from us are sitting three other nuns. Apparently, I'm in the liturgical car. (Why, oh why, couldn't they have been some hot young priests?) What I find fascinating is that there's an extra seat with the other sisters, but this nun chose to sit by the queen writing a nasty column. Well, maybe she'll learn some new words.
I'm not the only one touring—Cher is in the midst of planning one. As we told you months ago, she hoped that "Burlesque" would be a BIG hit, after which she would release a new CD that would also be a big hit, thus giving her a handful of new songs to trot around the globe. Never let it be said that Cher is ever deterred by a poor turnout at the box office. According to her tweets, she still plans on using the two "Burlesque" songs: "Putting in 'You Haven't Seen The Last of Me' and maybe recreating 'Welcome To Burlesque' as it was in film on stage. And if this CD has hits that would be fun for new show." Oh, that wacky Cher! As to that new CD, the only thing we know for sure is that she's recording a song written by Lady Gaga—but that's actually not what she hoped for: "I would love a duet with GaGa, but she gave me a GREAT song and I am beyond grateful!!!! It's called 'The Greatest Thing'." I smell a hit (or maybe that's Sister Incommunicado!).
Gaga may have Cher on her side, but she's earned the wrath of another gay diva. Bette Midler's pissed off after hearing that for her Sydney concert, Gaga came onstage in a wheelchair dressed as a mermaid. Says Bette (again, via Twitter): "I'm not sure @LadyGaga knows that I've performed my mermaid in a wheelchair for millions of people—and many of them are still alive. I've been doing singing mermaid in a wheelchair since 1980. You can keep the meat dress and the firecracker tits—mermaid is mine."
Gaga then told Access Hollywood, "I had no idea that she did that, and I'm a huge Bette Midler fan." Which begs the question: Really? How big a Bette Midler fan can you possibly be and never heard of Dolores Del Lago, the toast of Chicago? Next she'll tell us that she never heard "Respect Yourself." Gaga added, "It was not a Midler tribute in the beginning because I didn't know that she'd done it, but I do now and I think it's great. Obviously, I feel connected to women in theater and women from the past. Maybe we're just cut from the same cloth. All I'll say is that I admire her and find her to be one of the most brilliant and incredible performers." Leave it to Bette (apparently a woman from the past) to take the high road—"Let's drink this over at the Emmys in September. Fabulous mermaids can co-exist!" But a word of warning to Gaga—this derivative stuff is getting old.
However, there was another big story you might have missed. Zach Braff came out of the closet ... or did he? Last week, his website featured an open letter addressed to "all my loyal fans"—so listen up, you dirty dozen. "I've been hiding a secret inside me for too long. The human mind can only bare [AN INTERESTING TYPO] so much before it explodes in emotions, and well...it is time to let the world know. I am excited and proud to announce that I am an open member of the homosexual community." Except, of course, it's not true (or is it?). Apparently, Zach's website has been long-dormant, much like his career, and a hacker got in and posted the note. To think: Someone would go to all this trouble over Zach Braff!
Since Sister Nosy has taken an interest in my work, I'm gonna write a story that will make her rue the day she ever sat next to me (of course, when the photos I've been surreptitiously taking show up on BillyMasters.com, she'll be world famous). We haven't talked about Calvin Klein and Nick Gruber in months. You remember Nick—the former gay-for-pay pornstar who hooked up with Calvin after the designer paid for some massive reconstructive surgery. (You can see him in action on our website.) Well, we don't know the specifics but the couple appeared to have broken up at the end of June. Of course, Nick posted the news on his Facebook page: "CK and I broke up. HELLO SUICIDE!!!!!" That break-up was apparently short-lived, since the couple appeared to be thick as thieves after a lovely lunch last week at Bar Pitti in NYC. The two were even photographed kissing—and using tongues!! While you're looking at these photos on my website, just remember where Nick's tongue has likely been...
Our "Ask Billy" question comes from Kendrick in Maine: "I'm totally in love with Colton Haynes from Teen Wolf. What can you tell me about him? And where has he been all my life?"
If you're as old as most of my readers, he wasn't around for at least half of your life! Little Colton was born in 1988—which I believe was when I bought my first jock strap. Be that as it may, the star of Teen Wolf has attracted quite a large gay fan base—and it's not the first time. What if I told you Colton is embroiled in a little gay scandal? Back in 2006 (do the math—he was 18), Haynes was featured in an "XY" pictorial entitled "Don't Mess With Texas." It showed him ... um, "frolicking" with another young lad in various forms of undress. (Yes, there are tongues involved here, too.) No one put two and two together until someone purporting to be Haynes' lawyer (and he very well may be) contacted a number of websites asking them to take down the images of his client "partially or possibly completely nude, engaging in or simulating sexual conduct, in most instances with other individuals." Until now, I had no interest in Colton. However, suffice it to say, he's now on BillyMasters.com .
When I'm getting nostalgic for a 23-year-old jock strap (which I may actually have in my suitcase), it's definitely time to end yet another column. Lemme just give you an update on Nunwatch 2011—all four of the nuns have just pulled their purses very close. Do they know something I don't? Is there about to be a hit? Or are they Mob Wives in disguise as Mob Sisters? I'm gonna try and take a few pics of them. If that doesn't drive traffic to www.BillyMasters.com, I dunno what will. Oh yeah—the nude male celebrities. If you've got a question for me on a gossip or religious matter, put it in the offering plate of Billy@BillyMasters.com and I promise to get back to you before I appear onstage with the Italian touring company of "Nunsense"—possibly in a wheelchair! So, until next time, remember, one man's filth is another man's bible.
