"I don't know what the exciting news is. I'm up 20—I'm down 20. What's so exciting about that?"—Carnie Wilson discusses her constantly fluctuating weight on The View. Here's my question—how many "up 20s" does she go through before a "down 20" kicks in?
"BREAKING NEWS—Billy Masters is hovering between life and death after a head-on collision. Not expected to survive." This is the headline I envisioned as I began my fourth hour in a prominent Boston emergency room lying on a gurney wearing a neck brace. Admittedly, it wouldn't be a headline in a major paper like the Boston Globe. But I'd like to think I'd make the cover of Bay Windows...finally!
While trying to avoid going into the light (and we know how flattering those hospital fluorescents can be), I mused on some of the big questions in life. Like when did male nurses start wearing Crocs? I'm sure they're comfy, but I felt like I was trapped in a bad episode of "Hawthorne"—as if that ain't redundant. When my Crocs-wearing nurse asked if I'd like water or juice to take my pain meds, I said juice. He returned with a very large plastic glass of cranberry juice, shaved ice and a bendy straw. Throw in an umbrella and I could have been on an Atlantis cruise!
But the best was the doctor who sidled over to me and whispered, "That neck brace doesn't match your shoes!" I'm on life support and now I have to worry about coordinating? Who the fuck was he? Tim Gunn? I expected him to bellow, "Make it work," as I attempted to make a more flattering hospital gown out of toilet seat covers!
I had to get out of that damn ER so I could go home and watch the Tony Awards. The show brought out Broadway's best and brightest ... and Christie Brinkley. After her Broadway turn in "Chicago" (which has very high standards—Melanie Griffith played the role, for Christ's sake), she's repeating the feat in London's West End. Or an emergency room. Yes, when Brinkley was backstage at the Tonys, a woman fainted. Christie sprung into action. Without a thought for her own health and welfare, she selflessly got the woman a glass of orange juice to raise her blood sugar. She even sat with her until the paramedics arrived. Moments after they arrived, it was announced that Brinkley won a $25K watch in the auction. And with that, like all do-gooders, she disappeared.
Neil Patrick Harris was his usual effervescent self and did a boffo job hosting the show. He also helped bring up the ratings 9 percent from last year.
Blair Underwood will be making his Broadway debut as Stanley Kowalski in A Streetcar Named Desire. A "multiracial" production of the play has been discussed for years, and it will allegedly hit the Great White Way next spring.
In what is being described as a coup, Inside the Actor's Studio has booked Madonna for next season. This will be one of those rare episodes where 15 minutes will be spent discussing the craft and the subsequent 45 minutes will find the subject rattling off her favorite curse words.
Prior to my accident, I was thrilled to attend my first Boston Pride in about a decade. Alas, the weather didn't cooperate. That didn't stop revelers from rocking out to powerhouse Deborah Cox—who surprised the audience and organizers alike by going on significantly earlier than scheduled. That meant one of the most gorgeous and talented men in the UK, Shayne Ward, became the de facto headliner in this, his first U.S. appearance. Shayne's got it all—looks, voice, charisma, and likeability. Think of him as a good-looking Justin Timberlake. Yeah, he's got the whole package. The former "X Factor" UK winner will be making his stage debut in "Rock of Ages" at the end of the summer. With the release of his third CD, Obsession, and a starring role in London's West End, he's certainly living the life. And we were lucky to get him here in Boston!
Our "Ask Billy" question concerns another sexy Brit. Tony in Baltimore asks, "Do you watch 'Game of Thrones'? It's SO good and the guy who plays Theon is gorgeous and was naked last week—full frontal and everything. Do you have any info about him? He's got bad teeth, but I'd still do him."
My fans are such givers—why you're a regular Christie Brinkley! In this case, you'd be giving it to Alfie Allen—who happens to be the brother of singer Lily Allen. My UK fans might know him from 2009 when he took over the lead role in Equus from Daniel Radcliffe and toured in the play. At the time, much was made of Alfie's penis, which is known to swing with reckless abandon. He would brag to anyone who'd listen that he'd put Harry Potter to shame—and, indeed, he could. While Danny's testes have not quite dropped, Alfie's large, uncut member bobs about. In the episode of HBO's Game of Thrones that Tony is referring to, he even gets somewhat aroused—and it's quite a sight to behold. So much so that we'll be posting it in its uncut entirety on BillyMasters.com .
When I'm handing you a nob for less than a bob, it's time for me to order more HobNobs and end another column. Are you familiar with the milk chocolate HobNobs? They are my favorites—if ever you need to buy me a little prezzie. And I'll give you something in return—even more gossip on www.BillyMasters.com, the site that never flatlines. If you've got a question, drop a note to Billy@BillyMasters.com and I promise to get back to you before Madonna joins that multiracial "Streetcar"—oh, what a Blanche she'd make. Until next time, remember, one man's filth is another man's bible.
