"I mean, every male secretly wants to have sex with Brad Pitt, but that's a given."—Adam Levine of Maroon 5 and The Voice reveals what men he finds attractive. Personally, I secretly want to have sex with Adam Levine!
Many gay men have strong, assertive mothers. OK, it's a stereotype, but we gay boys love a strong woman—and we love our ballsy moms. This past week, Big Mama Masters came out of a store to find her car being hoisted onto a tow truck. When she protested, the driver offered to lower the car—for half the price the tow would have cost. She balked, the driver shrugged his shoulders and went about his business ... until Big Mama reached into the truck and took his keys out of the ignition. "You're not gonna get very far without these," she said, brandishing the key chain like a war trophy. When he approached her, she defiantly said, "Touch me and I'll call the cops." Leave it to the mother of Billy Masters to turn a parking violation into a civil-rights moment, a feminist crusade and possibly a race issue (well, the driver was wearing gloves). Where's Johnny Cochran when you need him? Needless to say, the cops were already en route and while my mother didn't get her way, I was never prouder.
That's one of the important aspects of Pride that makes me ... well, proud. Let us not forget that the pride movement was started by people standing up for themselves. Admittedly, these stances don't always happen under ideal circumstances. I'm sure some innocent passerby got hit with a stiletto heel outside of the Stonewall Inn, but them's the breaks. It's important to remember that amidst all the revelry that we associate with gay pride, there is one common theme. We aren't invisible. We matter. We want to be heard—and sometimes you have to take someone's keys to get their attention.
Another way to get people's attention is to send out a photo of your penis to two or three or a few dozen strangers via Twitter while your wife is pregnant. I swear to you, there is something wrong with men. I won't even say straight men because I can't tell you how many gay men have sent me photos of their junk while a spousal equivalent was in the other room making coffee! One of those penises belonged to Anthony Weiner. I just woke up, clicked on an e-mail from one of my favorite sources, and BAM ... there it was. No warning. No foreplay. No foreskin. Just a Weiner—and an erect one at that. After I saw it, I asked myself, "Is that all there is to a Weiner?" Well, Barbara Walters found it "impressive," but she doesn't get around as much as I do! My problem isn't that he's sending out dick shots. No, my problem is that he's stupid enough to get caught! I'm smart enough to post the photos on BillyMasters.com .
However, stray penii were not limited to the political sphere. Nope, we also got a gander at some genitalia courtesy of Tito Ortiz. The fighting champ apparently finished tanning (already I'm confused) and decided to take a photo of the results with his cell phone. This is yet another dubious decision, which was compounded when this photo got sent out via Twitter, proving once again that nothing good happens on Twitter (but you should follow @BillyMasters). Tito says that his account was hacked and he didn't post the photo. Yes, and Monica was just looking for a place to put out that cigar! But back to Tito—he most definitely puts that poor Weiner weiner to shame. Remember Chris Brown's penis? It's a little like that. Well, not "little," as you'll see on BillyMasters.com .
The talented and tasty Chris Evans has some concerns over the upcoming Captain America. It's weighing on him so heavily, he wants to address it before the movie even comes out: "I'm losing my hair. The fear is that this can span 10 years so I can be doing this character until I'm 40. I'm supposed to be like this superior human. He can't be balding. How horrible would it be if this superior man has male-pattern baldness?" I suppose it would show that no one ... not even The Captain, is perfect. But what about Chris' perfect body? "That I can control. If I miss three or four days, I feel like shit. Last year, I got into running and I was like, 'I'm going to start running' and then I would run on the treadmill and feel great. But I'll get too thin and lose weight so quickly." Such a tragedy.
Since this column is coming to you on the eve of Boston Pride, we go directly to the kick-off concert by The Go-Go's and The B-52s. It was a perfect pairing, and one which brought out thousands of people. (The girls commented on how huge the stage was.) This was as intense a show as you were gonna get from either band—stripped raw and ready to party. The Go-Go's could have been marred by Belinda's defective ear monitor, but she's a game gal and didn't let it slow her down. She even brought out her openly gay son, James Duke Mason, to sing "Whole World Lost Its Head." We'll run video of that and some backstage photos on BillyMasters.com .
When I'm celebrating Boston Pride with the Go-Go's and the B-52s, it's time for me to leave the '80s and end yet another column. We've had so many out and proud stories that I only have time to remind you to keep tabs on www.BillyMasters.com, the site that's proud to have served millions of you ... just like its owner! If you've got a question or a concern, feel free to send it along to Billy@BillyMasters.com and I promise to get back to you before I bail Big Mama Masters out of the big house! Until next time, remember, one man's filth is another man's bible.
