"I design a lot of my own clothes and I think for women of my age, over 40, there's very few things you can wear. Everything's either too girlie, or it's too mumsey/granny, so I think I have some very good ideas."—Joan Collins talks about her plans to start a fashion line for women her age—over 40. To say nothing of over 50 ... over 60 ... and over 70...
Over the last year or so, I've gone on a little trip down memory lane. I've looked up old friends (some—I'm not a saint). I now regularly get together with my grade-school classmates—people I was with day in, day out for many years. I've even mused some "what ifs" by reconsidering old relationships. I've revisited many old beaus and tried to learn what worked and what didn't. So, in a way, I've developed my own little time machine. I've always wondered what I'd do if I could return to my earlier self. Would I make some different decisions? Would I treat certain people differently? Would I give myself a break? Or, better yet, just appreciate what my life was—and is?
I bring this up apropos of Bob Smith's new book, Remembrance of Things I Forgot. Certainly no one would expect a sci-fi novel from one of the founding members of Funny Gay Males. However, in a way, that's what he's written. The boyfriend of Bob's central character has developed this time machine and the hero "inadvertently" travels back 20 years and meets up with—and flirts with—his former self. I've often said I'm dating myself, but I never meant it literally! There's so much more to this book—it's a science-fiction adventure, a political thriller, a road-trip saga and a gay love story. Take out the sci-fi angle and I could be describing Oprah and Gayle! Seriously, this book is completely unique and written in that personable and familiar style that Bob has perfected for years onstage. If you know him as a performer, you can almost hear him saying this story aloud. (I've always felt that Smith's biggest strength as a comedian was his brilliant writing.) I don't want to give it all away, but if you're looking for something to read that's fun, thoughtful and provocative, have I got a book for you!
While I was re-examining my life, I wondered why I am so often attracted to people and situations that can (and often do) lead to nothing but doom and destruction? This point was driven home while I had The Bachelorette on in the background and recognized, much to my surprise, one of my former paramours! They do tend to spring up when one least expects it. First I thought that maybe since I'd been re-evaluating my romantic choices, maybe he was doing the same. However, given his sexual proclivities with moi, I somehow think that Ashley's equipment will not be able to deliver quite the impact of mine—not to toot my own horn. I usually left that to him!
In these days of political correctness, many people take issue with Lisa Lampanelli and her brand of non-discriminatory insult humor. I am not one of those people; I adore Lisa—and she just gave the gay community another reason to love her. When comedy's loveable Queen of Mean heard that Fred Phelps and his cronies from the Westboro Baptist Church planned to picket her show in Topeka, Kansas, because of her pro-gay stance, she encouraged them to come out in droves. In fact, she promised to personally donate $1,000 to the Gay Men's Health Crisis for every picketer. Her motives were simple—the more people from Westboro who showed up spewing hate, the more money they'd raise for the very people they purport to hate. Kinda clever. There seemed to be some discrepancy over the number of picketers. Lisa said, "My driver counted 44 people, but the next day, someone from those assholes said they had 48. I'm not going to quibble, so I said, 'Let's make it an even 50 grand'—and if they don't like that, they can suck my dick."
Former transsexual prostitute Toni Newman is making quite a splash with her autobiography, I Rise—The Transformation of Toni Newman (which I bet has more laughs than that Chaz Bono memoir). In the book, Toni talks about some former clients, and one of the biggest is rapper LL Cool J. In an interview with Hip Hop Weekly (which I'm sure you all read), s/he talks openly about the encounter: "I had sex with LL Cool J. At that point, he had been one of the top five dates I ever had. I made over five-hundred dollars. For a street prostitute doing fifty-dollar blow jobs and hundred-dollar hotel dates, he gave me five times more than I had already made. I wasn't aware until we got into the encounter and the glasses came off that he was in fact LL Cool J. We were a versatile group, and when I say versatile, that means the other person gives and receives." In another interview, she says that LL was fully aware that she was a man prior to them having sex. LL's manager calls the book "pure comedy". But I like to laugh, so I know what I'll be taking to the beach this summer!
In our "Ask Billy" question, Randy in Maine asks, "Have you seen the new show 'Extreme Makeover: Weight Loss Edition'? The personal trainer is HOT! Who is he?"
That would be the lovely Chris Powell, who eschews the term personal trainer—he calls himself a "transformation professional." I call him yummy! I've known of him for a few years—ever since he turned up on Saint Oprah's show and helped that guy who was morbidly obese lose over 300 pounds ... and his virginity. Honey, now that's a transformation I'd pay to be a part of! Although Powell has a slight accent that would identify him as gay, he's described in press material as a "married father of two." I presume that means he's straight, but that won't stop me from running some scorchingly hot photos of him on BillyMasters.com .
When I'm showing off my advanced vocabulary with words like "eschews," it's definitely time to end yet another column. But what a way to kick off Pride Month. And a book review?? How erudite. (There's another one.) It makes one wonder what will turn up next on www.BillyMasters.com, the choice for discriminating gossipers. I am abandoning Los Angeles for the entire summer. Back to Boston for Pride, and then NYC, Provincetown—oh, the possibilities are endless. However, if you've got a question, you can always reach me at Billy@BillyMasters.com and I promise to get back to you before LL asks me out on one of those reciprocal dates! So, until next time, remember, one man's filth is another man's bible.
