"Tony must like boys, because he's marrying this—this little, small girl with no tits and—that looks like a boy."—Marc Cherry's alleged quip to Nicollette Sheridan at the wedding of Tony Parker and Eva Longoria. Just a tantalizing glimpse of what will come out in Nic's lawsuit for wrongful termination from Desperate Housewives.
I am just famous enough. People often recognize me at events. However, without hair and make-up, I can go to the grocery store virtually undetected (much like Faye Dunaway or the Collins sisters). But not a day goes by that Dan Renzi isn't recognized from his stint on The Real World in 1996. It's taken me a while to realize that the impact this groundbreaking MTV show had on pop culture during its peak is staggering. Why, Dan's almost like Snooki—but with less hair and make-up. This is all apropos of our recent venture into Fatburger on Miami Beach. Within minutes, Dan was accosted by a swarm of very young people who must have been toddlers during his RW stint. After talking to them (and taking a hysterical photo that will appear on BillyMasters.com ), I learned that they knew him from The Real World/Road Rules Extreme Challenge, which he did in 2001. Hey, MTV, with this fan base, I think it's time for him to turn up in another one of those challenges. Plus, he could use a new car!
Earlier that evening, we went to see Celebrity Autobiography at the Adrienne Arsht Center in Miami. My bon ami, Bruce Vilanch, was in the cast, alongside Sharon Gless, Roger Bart, Paul Provenza, Cady Huffman and creator Dayle Reyfel. I've talked about this show before, where various luminaries read from the autobiographies of other celebrities. In NYC, the show often features my buddies Sherri Shepherd and Mario Cantone (who was in Miami the previous week)—their take on Destiny's Child is beyond fabulous. In the Miami production, the poetry of Suzanne Somers was center stage, while Gless delighted in her reading from Ivana Trump's memoirs. And, of course, who captures the essence of Cher better than Vilanch? You should definitely go see it if you're in NYC or if it comes to a city near you. For more information and tour schedule, go to www.CelebrityAutobiography.com .
Earlier that day, I noticed that a Chicago club was advertising that Bruce would be appearing at an after-party for the upcoming Grabby Awards. At least I think it was Bruce—the ad listed "Bruce Villanche!" I asked the funnyman about this: "Maybe HE will show up, but I won't be in Chicago that weekend." Bruce and I have a long history with the Grabbys. We were both with the show from the beginning, and we've both been inducted into the Grabby Hall of Fame. And, mysteriously, neither of us has been invited back. Bruce quipped, "Not even to sit at the kiddie table!"
Last week it was widely rumored that a famous news anchor would be coming out. Then, there was the inevitable letdown—Don Lemon. There are two types of people reading this column—people who don't know who Don Lemon is, and people who thought Don Lemon was already out. For those who fall in between the cracks, Lemon is a dashing African-American anchor on CNN. I suppose I should say "congratulations"—in between yawns.
Of course, we were all hoping the newsman coming out would be Anderson Cooper. There are two types of people reading this column—people who already know Anderson Cooper is gay, and people who think Liberace just never met the right woman. (Honey, he was the right woman.) One of my favorite Cooper pics is him posing backstage with Scissor Sisters, arching his eyebrow whilst ogling Jake Shears' crotch. Well, Andy, have I got a photo for you. Jake recently received some jockstraps from the company Nasty Pig and decided to take photos of himself posing as ... well, a nasty pig. He was so happy with the results, he told the company "I want my own jockstrap line"—which certainly wouldn't be an unlikely career move for the former go-go boy. While this isn't the first glimpse we've had of his bursting package or bare ass, it won't stop us from posting the pics on BillyMasters.com .
Weeks ago I told you about the Hollywood Bowl presentation of Hairspray that will take place Aug. 5-7. Back when I first announced this event, I said that Edna would likely be played by Bruce Vilanch. And that almost happened. Then La Cage aux Folles closed on Broadway. The connection? Now Harvey Fierstein is available—and he always wanted to do "Hairspray" in L.A. (When the national tour came to town, it was led by La Vilanch.) So in one of those exclusives you've come to expect from me, look for Harvey to reprise his Tony-winning portrayal of Edna Turnblad at the Hollywood Bowl. And in yet another scoop, I can tell you that Edna's hubby, Wilbur, will be played by Drew Carey. At some point, I expect he'll bellow, "Come on down!"
By the time this column hits the street, Celebrity Apprentice will be finished—much like the Donald's political career. While we don't know who won, it certainly wasn't Star Jones. Once NeNe Leakes was gone, there was little reason to keep Star around. Yet the two have another tie—allegedly NeNe is "dating" Star's ex, Al Reynolds. (I believe "dating" is a legal term for "giving each other facials.") NeNe might wanna hold onto Al because he may be coming into some money. We're told that when he and Star divorced, there was a clause prohibiting either from making "disparaging remarks" about the other, and violation of this term would result in a penalty fine of $50,000. Clearly, legal eagle Star added this clause so that Al couldn't write a tell-all. Therefore, it's even more delicious that she may be the one who violated the terms by talking about Al and NeNe to Wendy Williams. Star should know better—after all, she is a lawyer!
When celebs are asking to be called a Nasty Pig, it's definitely time to end yet another column. I know I said I'd be staying in L.A. for a couple of weeks, but with The Go-Go's at Mandalay Bay May 27 and Jeff Timmons with the Chippendales at the Rio All-Suites Resort, it would appear I'll be celebrating Memorial Day in Las Vegas. While I'm tempting Lady Luck, you can keep up with the latest gossip from the one site that ain't no gamble—www.BillyMasters.com . If you've got a question, I'll try to squeeze it into a future column. Just drop a note to Billy@BillyMasters.com and I promise to get back to you before "Hairspray" features a spirited game of Plinko! So, until next time, remember, one man's filth is another man's bible.
