"Listen, I will kill you, you understand? I am from New York, my husband fights, we both fight; we will beat you up after the show."—Jennifer Lopez warns Ricky Gervais not to try anything funny when he introduced her on the Golden Globes.
It was a busy week for your little scribe. First I was off to Las Vegas for the Miss America Pageant. Yes, there were some memorable moments, but what about some lost opportunities? What would be more memorable than Miss Delaware walking out bald during the evening-gown portion to Bruno Mars' "Just The Way You Are?" Alas, a golden opportunity was squandered as she kept her wig on until it was too late to matter. Thank God for Miss Arkansas, who appeared on stage brandishing puppets. Yes, PUPPETS!! I almost lost my mind. She even yodeled! And she only came in second? If she answered that question about health insurance with a puppet, she would have easily won. And lemme take a second to mention Miss Utah, who somehow managed to take the official wrap to cover her bikini and expertly turned it into a belt. Now that's talent!
As to the gossip, I learned that ABC offered the role of co-host to a former Miss America who they just happened to have on the payroll. However, Vanessa Williams wasn't interested, which is how the 90th anniversary celebration was co-hosted by Brooke Burke—when her mike was on, that is. Vanessa also nixed showing up with the other former Miss Americas, but you can't blame her. She was ousted seven weeks before the end of her reign, which is how Suzette Charles (another no-show) became what is officially designated as "Miss America 1984b." There were a few other famous absences: Bess Myerson probably needed some lipstick; Mary Ann Mobley likely needed a ride. Instead, Lee Meriwether and Phyllis George held court ... with style and grace (but no hugs).
The next morning, it was back to Beverly Hills for the Golden Globes. Due to my hectic schedule, I missed CAA's pre-Golden Globes soiree at the SoHo House, where a bitch fight broke out between Christina Aguilera and Julianne Hough. What on Earth could they have fought about? Who should have been smart enough to turn down "Burlesque?" The fracas took place in front of Julia Roberts, Colin Firth, Ashton Kutcher and Demi Moore—so basically the least talented people in the room were slugging it out. All we know is that Hough was trying to avoid Aguilera. When 'Tina grabbed Julianne, the dancer snipped, "Don't touch me!" One onlooker claims that Chrissy swore to ruin Hough's singing career—which is kinda like me sabotaging Perez Hilton's job as an exotic dancer!
As to the Golden Globes themselves, everyone was talking about Ricky Gervais—but not in the way you'd think. Don't let the lack of audible laughter on the telecast fool you. People had a great time; they were just too afraid to be seen enjoying themselves. I was more interested in seeing the dashing Matthew Bomer arrive. But wait—what is that on his so-called ring finger? A wedding ring? Is there something you'd like to tell us, Matty?
Some news outlets reported that Robert Pattinson had some goons with him who deterred shutterbugs. Somehow I missed them—then again, I'm not one to stand on ceremony. Pattinson couldn't have been nicer to pose. I hear that Paul Giamatti was also happy to pose—if you paid him! People were whispering that the acclaimed actor charged people five bucks for a photo. Needless to say, it wasn't exactly a seller's market.
I couldn't get through the evening without some faux pas. I had an unfortunate run-in with Helena Bonham Carter, who I haven't seen in a good five years. (They were good for her.) I don't know if it was the dazed look on her face when I approached, or the fact that her tulle didn't allow me to get closer than six feet or her extending her arm like a traffic cop. Inexplicably, and without any provocation, I actually kissed her hand—as if she were the real Queen Mum! I may have even curtseyed! I don't recall how she responded—but I believe it included Purell!
Marissa Jaret Winokur has left The Talk. Not that she was ever really on the show—I think she did five episodes since its debut. She's philosophical about it: "As the show evolved, there really wasn't room for my segments."
This leads to a quick "Ask Billy" question from AJ in Memphis: "Who do you think will replace Regis Philbin?"
No one can replace Reeg. But someone will obviously try. Kelly is pushing for Mark Consuelos (which gives me a perfect opportunity to run those photos from his past as a male stripper). The first person to volunteer for the gig is Larry King: "I would sit in for him for a few weeks. I would get a kick out of that." If Kelly thought Regis made references she didn't get, imagine how lost she'll be with Larry's stories about the Salem witch trials!
The two most obvious successors are unavailable. First is Anderson Cooper, who would have taken the job in a heartbeat—except he's launching his own show in the fall. (He may wanna rethink that.) And Neil Patrick Harris would love it, but he's stuck in L.A. for How I Met Your Mother. But that's not stopping either guy from taking other gigs in musical theatre. Cooper will be the pre-recorded narrator for the upcoming Daniel Radcliffe-led revival of "How To Succeed in Business..."—a role which was last assumed by Walter Cronkite in the 1995 production. And Harris will headline a concert production of Company with the New York Philharmonic this spring—and he'll be joined by Patti LuPone, who will be playing Joanne.
When Regis can be replaced by someone giving lap dances, it's definitely time to end yet another column. Before we dash, lemme remind you to check out www.BillyMasters.com for all the dish that didn't make the print edition. If you've got a question, e-mail me at Billy@BillyMasters.com, and I promise to get back to you before Helena slaps me with a restraining order. Until next time, remember, one man's filth is another man's bible.
