"I was in the middle of eating a kosher pastrami sandwich. They came running and they say, 'Paladino became gay!' I said, 'What?' And then they showed me the statement. I almost choked on the kosher salami."—Orthodox Rabbi Levin from Brooklyn ( who helped Paladino write his diatribe against gay people ) was outraged when he heard of Carl's apology. Can we really trust a rabbi who can't keep his deli meats straight?
This week, Mike "The Situation" Sorrentino got a double dose of bad news. First, he was dumped from Dancing With the Stars. Then, an alleged paramour blabbed to the Star tabloid that their dalliance left quite a bit to be desired. When speaking of the tryst, this gal said, "I wouldn't even call it a one-night stand, because he only lasted a few minutes." You know, young men are an excitable bunch. To add insult to injury, this is how she described his appendage: "Let's just say I'm thinking of my pinky." Maybe it's revenge—those little ones can hurt!
A former "DWTS" contestant is showing off his bod in print. Evan Lysacek took part in ESPN Magazine's "Body Issue." First off, who knew ESPN had a magazine? Anyone? Not that I expect my readers are avid ESPN devotees—in fact, I believe ESPN prides itself on having no viewers who would use the word "devotee." We already knew Evan photographed well from those semi-nude photos we've run in the past, so we're not completely surprised that he decided to bare all for his steamy snap. But it is far more explicit than anything in the past ( of course we'll post it ) . OK, so he has no ass. I suspect he makes up for that in other ways.
The big story this week is Brett Favre's penis. Since we've established that most of you don't watch ESPN, you may be unsure as to who this Brett Favre is. He was in Something About Mary. Ah, now you know who I mean. Allegedly, he was trying to woo some chick who worked for the New York Jets and decided to send her some photos of his penis. Ya gotta love straight men—they actually think a photo of a soft penis is gonna get them laid. Really? Since I know you'll wanna see for yourself, consider them posted.
A couple of older men have recently turned up shirtless, giving us all hope for the future. Hunk of days gone by Dolph Lundgren was photographed on holiday in Mexico last week, looking hot indeed. Sure, he's a little thicker around the waist, but who isn't? Then you've got the diminutive Mr. Cruise who doffed his top to do some stunts on the set of Mission: Impossible 4 in Prague. As the caption said, not bad for 48. Or maybe 4'8" is his height.
Arnold Schwarzenegger had the misfortune of turning up topless within days of son Patrick showing off his rockin' bod. Arnie might just need larger shorts or perhaps an elastic waistband. Patrick, on the other hand, looks taut and tight and lithe—all words that spring to mind when describing a well-defined 17-year-old boy. By that age, Arnold was lifting oxen over his head, while Patrick has abs you could do your laundry on. The tyke is achieving his lean physique by doing yoga with Mama Maria. And, yes, photos of everyone will turn up on our website.
It was a big week for the former cast of Friends. Within a matter of days, Matt LeBlanc yelled at people in London to not call him "Joey," David Schwimmer revealed he got married in June, Jennifer Aniston went out on a date with a Cougar Town star and Courteney Cox was linked to one, too! As you've undoubtedly heard, Ms. Cox and David Arquette are in a "trial separation"—which is never good if you're the party clinging to the word "trial." Things have been going downhill ever since their 11th anniversary when Cox told Arquette, "I'm tired of being your mother." They separated with Court telling Davey that he could see other people—which I'm guessing means she wanted to see other people. Bing, bang, boom—she's rumored to be dating her on-screen Cougar Tow" ex, Brian Van Holt, days after Aniston was rumored to be dating Courtney's on-screen Cougar Town present, Josh Hopkins. How cute—they can double-date. Meanwhile, David met waitress/actress/Lindsey Lohan-slapper Jasmine Waltz and slept with her "once, maybe twice." This infuriated Waltz, who allegedly told friends, "Twice, my ass." I guess she doesn't agree with his calculations—or maybe he did something with her ass!
Christina Aguilera also announced that her marriage is over. This was not news to anyone who's been at The Roxy on a Sunday night—the night Samantha Ronson DJs. It's a curious influence, since this week Aguilera was allegedly engaged in a marathon make-out session with a fetching filly ( who was most definitely NOT Ronson—despite what you may have read elsewhere ) . Perhaps we can blame this one on alcohol. Rumor has it, Tina had to be carried out of the club by her burly security guard. We hear the gal went with them.
Our own Marty Thomas, the sexy star from Broadway productions of Xanadu and Wicked, is suing Twitter to find out the identity of the person behind an anonymous post: "Which 'Avenue Q' cast member gave Marty Thomas crabs?'" In the suit, Marty states: "I do not suffer from, nor have I ever suffered from, a sexually transmitted disease." I'll file that bit of information away for future use.
To end on a positive note, congratulations to Neil Patrick Harris and David Burtka, who became parents Oct. 12 to twins, Gideon Scott and Harper Grace. This is not uncharted territory for Burtka. He actually has twins from his decade-long relationship with Lane Janger, who you may recall as the actor/director/writer/producer of the film Just One Time. While the paternity of the newborns has not been disclosed, we do know that luscious Lane is the biological father of Flynn and Javin Janger—who just happen to have been born Oct. 19, 2000. Hmmm, maybe they can all celebrate future birthdays together.
When I can go from STDs to surrogacy, it's definitely time to end yet another column. You know what I just realized? You can't spell "penis" without "ESPN." And obviously I put the "I" in penis! While I'm posting a plethora of penii to be viewed on www.BillyMasters.com, you can feel free to write me if you have a question. Just drop a note to Billy@BillyMasters.com, and I promise to get back to you before Neil, David and Lane star in an all-gay remake of Yours, Mine and Ours! Until next time, remember, one man's filth is another man's bible.
