"Darling, I'm afraid to tell you that you're full of garbage. That is an acting job!"—Whoopi Goldberg corrects Jake Pavelka when he said that "The Bachelor" was a reality show and not an acting job. He may be right—did you see him trying to act straight by hitting on Elizabeth Hasselback? Girl, please.
In fair Verona, where we lay our scene ( among other things ) , Billy is reminded that love happens when you least expect it. It could be a pair of Italian teenagers or it could be a Munster—as in "Eddie Munster." Former child star Butch Patrick just got engaged to a fan he met at a Dracula convention in May. Kids, I couldn't make this stuff up if I tried! According to Butchy, way back in his "Munsters" heyday, he used to correspond with a fan named Donna McCall. As often happens, they eventually lost touch ( I'm still waiting for Christopher Atkins to write back ) . A couple years ago, Donna found Butch online and they planned to meet for the first time earlier this year at DraculaCon II in Pennsylvania ( as opposed to DraculaCon I ) . This led to a whirlwind romance and they are now living together and plan to marry. And you thought Letters to Juliet was romantic!
I know I shouldn't laugh, but my favorite headline of the week is "Aretha Falls in Bathtub, Cancels Two Shows." Look, I realize at some point this schadenfreude will catch up to me, but I defy you to picture this event without even the teensiest smirk. Auntie Re's publicist said that she plans to reschedule the missed concerts, and quotes the Queen of Soul as saying, "I am very much looking forward to being in Brooklyn and having a foot-long hot dog at Coney Island." The woman fell in a bathtub, cracked a rib ( and possibly the porcelain tub itself ) , and her biggest concern is getting a hot dog! Did she also ask the ambulance to stop at a drive-thru on the way to the ER?
Look for a bunch of familiar faces to pop up on Glee with alarming regularly. First is Carol Burnett, who appears this fall as Jane Lynch's Nazi-hunting mom. Susan Boyle will be in the Christmas show ( which coincides nicely with the release of her holiday CD on the same label as the Glee soundtrack ) . As previously reported, John Stamos will pop by, and there's a good possibility that we'll see Javier Bardem. Jonathan Groff has signed on for two spring episodes—around the same time Kristin Chenoweth returns.
Another person who landed a role on Glee is Cheyenne Jackson, who will recur as rival glee club Vocal Adrenaline's coach—a position previously held by Idina Menzel. Personally, I can't wait to see Cheyenne in green face! This doesn't mean that the Wicked star is gone from the show. Menzel will return later in the season.
I've saved the most titillating Glee casting news for last: sexy ( and aptly named ) Chord Overstreet will join the show starting with the season premiere Sept. 21. At this point, his role is described as a jock who is initially Finn's protégé—which I believe is French for "Your place or mine?" ( thank you, Sue Ann Nivens ) . In short order, he becomes his rival. Could this character also be the long-awaited boyfriend for Kurt? Stay tuned.
I know my fans enjoy "True Blood"—particularly with the addition of hunky Joe Manganiello as the werewolf Alcide. Joey certainly enjoys the attention of the fans, but there's a time and a place. He recently said, "All of the guys that come up to me tell me that I'm on their wives' favorite show. They chase me into the bathroom to tell me that." Shades of Larry Craig, eh? Yeah, uh-huh, their "wives." All this attention prompted the producers to promote him to a series regular next season. The stud also appears in the August issue of Muscle & Body—which I believe is one of the workout magazines for men with "wives" who wanna look at photos of hot men in various forms of undress working out together. All very hetero, I'm sure. The photos are not to be believed, and they'll pop up on BillyMasters.com .
What would you pay to be thisclose to Manganiello or any of the other hunks on True Blood? If you've got a few thousand dollars sitting around, you could bid on a walk-on role at CharityBuzz.com, which will benefit the Children's Hospital Los Angeles auction. I hasten to add that this is not the first time the show has helped raise money for a good cause. In the fall, a similar package was auctioned off to benefit the LA Gay & Lesbian Center. The winning bid back then was $15K. The current auction ends on August 18th and, as of this writing, it's up to $11K. Sure, that sounds like a lot, but the winner gets to bring a friend to the set. It's like a two-for-one special. Admittedly, you could probably hire a hooker who looks just as good for a fraction of the cost, but I'm thinking for the right price, someone on the "TB" cast will make it worth your while.
The near-perfect Ryan Kwanten ( whose posterior recently made an appearance on "Blood", in addition to our website ) gets loads of requests from fans ... loads being the operative word. One particularly fanatical female requested his sperm! According to the awesome Aussie, he got a package in the mail containing a little vial. At first, he thought someone was asking for his blood ( 'cause of the whole vampire thing ) . But the woman in question was hoping for a "specimen" from Ryan so she could impregnate herself. You bitches are awfully ballsy. If that's all it took, he'd be getting test tubes by the bushel! Alas, he declined.
When Glee has more guest stars than regulars, it's time to end yet another column. Well, the European portion of my summer is coming to an end. By the time you read this, I'll be flying back to the good ole US of A. But I can't stay in one place for too long. Immediately on the horizon is a jaunt to Provincetown. To keep track of all my comings and goings, head over to www.BillyMasters.com where I also keep you abreast of the latest dish. If you've got a question, write to Billy@BillyMasters.com and I promise to get back to you before Ryan sends me back that vial ( coining the term "air male" ) . Until next time, remember, one man's filth is another man's bible.
