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  WINDY CITY TIMES

Billy Masters
by Billy Masters
2010-01-06

This article shared 2471 times since Wed Jan 6, 2010
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"If I wanted to tell people what I do with my vagina, I'd have made a sex video a long time ago."—Michelle Rodriguez responds to those ever-present lesbian rumors.

Welcome to a brand new year. 2010 is only a few hours old, but there's already gossip. However, that's got to wait. You don't think someone can tackle a pope on Christmas Eve and I won't have something to say about it, do you? First off, did you know that the crazy bitch tried this before? Last year, she attempted to climb over the barrier at the service but was stopped. So how the hell did she get into St. Peter's again this year? I'm sure people aren't just milling around the Basilica and wandering in on Christmas Eve. That's gotta be a hot ticket—easily one of the top two of the year. Did she hobble in with the cripples? I suppose I'd be understanding if she were an anxious leper. Other than that, there's gotta be a hungry lion somewhere who still likes Christians. Don't get me wrong—I certainly have no undying love for this Nazi pope. But I'm all about a little pomp, a little circumstance. And what's the use of having Swiss Guards if you can't use them? Admittedly, they don't look like they could do anything more menacing than keep you off "It's A Small World" at Disneyland. But, they do carry sticks with little spears at the top. Use 'em, God damn it. It's the Vatican, for Christ's sake!

I read that Renee Zellweger spent Christmas meeting the family of her "boyfriend," Bradley Cooper. ( The quotes around "boyfriend" were not in the other reports, but they seem appropriate. ) We even hear the couple is looking to buy a home. Sigh, when will that Zellweger learn? I'm reminded of my sister-in-gossip Ted Casablanca's take on Cooper's numerous romantic entanglements a few months back: "We seriously think his publicist has more to do with these A-list couplings than his heart. He knows he's unavailable—in more ways than one, trust—but he's trying to convince these women otherwise." Truer words were never uttered.

But Bradley is playing gay—at least on screen. In the upcoming "Valentine's Day" ( which comes out, you guessed it, on Valentine's Day ) , he's paired with sexy Eric Dane. Well, now I've got your attention! Dane plays a closeted football player who is dating Cooper. Of course, no one at the studio is talking about this subplot. And from the ads, it kinda looks like Bradley's character is dating Julia Roberts, who actually is the best friend. We're told that the screen time for the gay duo is pretty minor, but it's still enough to make me wanna check it out.

We got an end-of-year gift from ABC—the first same-sex love scene on daytime. Scott Evans and Brett Claywell ( collectively known as "Kish" ) consummated their relationship on "One Life To Live" in a sex scene that included candles, long-lingering glances, and unbearably slow removal of clothing. In short, all the passion usually exhibited in a love scene with Jeanne Cooper! When a post-coital Claywell deliriously asked, "Is it always going to be like this?", I audibly responded, "God, I hope not!" That's not to say it wasn't sexy. It was—in that "Playboy After Dark" kinda way. But it certainly wasn't what I'd expect from two hot guys with pent-up "enthusiasm." Still, it's a step in the right direction. You can see it for yourself on BillyMasters.com .

Now, onto New Year's Eve. Dick Clark...sigh, what can I say that I haven't said before? Last year, he made it through about 13 minutes of live TV and then disappeared. Ironically, this year 13 was an unlucky number for Dick—he completely forgot it in his countdown! In case anyone is keeping track—because I am—Dick clocked in 6 full minutes. Yup, SIX MINUTES! And is it me or is Mrs. Clark's New Year's kiss starting to resemble someone performing CPR? Over on CNN, Anderson Cooper and Kathy Griffin managed to make the show even gayer by adding Vegas correspondent Lance Bass. He really was the most feminine person on the telecast—and that included Sushi the drag queen being lowered in a giant shoe in Key West ( and how fabulous was it to see Randy Roberts as Cher ) ! Kathy tried her best to embarrass Andy, but he never took the bait. Instead, he just stood there, giggling like a giddy girl while winched into his Gloria Vanderbilt jeans. Another New Year for the record books.

I always call Bravo our de facto gay network, but CNN is really giving it a run for its money. Prior to the New Year, porn star Collin O'Neil turned up doing the weather! The sexy stud filed an iReport for CNN Dec. 17 under his given name, Shawn Loftis. He was in capri pants and a white tank top while reporting about heavy rain and, at one point, waded through a puddle. Oh, it was riveting footage. Catch it on BillyMasters.com .

Our first "Ask Billy" question of the New Year is about someone I haven't thought of in eons. Travis in Baltimore writes: "I hear that the kid from 'Billy Elliot' is now some hot buff guy and making a period piece with Channing Tatum. Can you confirm and maybe show us what he looks like all grown up?"

Believe it or not, Jamie Bell is all grown up and quite buff. Although he's been working steadily, most people probably think of him as that 14 years old boy in tights and a tutu. Now at the ripe old age of 23, he's in Scotland filming "Eagle of the Ninth." He plays a slave to Roman soldier Channing Tatum—which apparently means it's a comedy! Some pics have surfaced from the production and it does appear that Buff Bell is a good nickname for Jamie. He's shirtless, muscular, and a little dirty—just how I love my men. If they throw in one of those bathing scenes from Spartacus, I'll be there! Pics can be found on BillyMasters.com .

When Channing Tatum has been cast in a period piece, it's definitely time to end yet another column. Every year, people ask me if I have any New Year's Resolutions. Although I usually don't, this year is different. I want to be a contestant on "Wipeout." You may not know this about me, but I am as agile as a gazelle. I'm also as clumsy as an ox. Obviously this is a winning combination—at least in terms of riveting television. I seriously think I could kick ass on this show ... except for those damn balls. They could be my downfall. While I'm practicing maneuvering all sorts of balls, I'm still updating www.BillyMasters.com . If you've got a question, drop a note at Billy@BillyMasters.com and I promise to get back to you before CNN hires Michael Lucas as a foreign correspondent! Until next time, remember, one man's filth is another man's bible.


This article shared 2471 times since Wed Jan 6, 2010
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