"I hope I shaved my nipples on those days because I have the most embarrassing chest hair!"—Tom Holland discusses seeing his bare areolae in Uncharted in IMAX
You know how I relish sharing stories of woe, tragedy and despondency? Since the news is so bleak, I've decided to try looking on the bright side of things. Let's start with this pesky pandemic. When 2020 began, I announced a goal—to have sex with a different man (or group of men) from a different state every week. It seemed simple—50 weeks, 50 states. Sure, that leaves two additional weeks … but that's what Puerto Rico and Guam are for. Got through January. Got through February. In fact, I was even a few states ahead. And then, BAM—COVID-19! You can't find a gay Guamanian you'd want to sleep with in Massachusetts … even wearing a mask.
Two years later, it hit me: While the pandemic was crap for my sex life, it was fantastic for my social life. While I bemoaned being stuck in a Boston suburb with Big Mama and Big Daddy, you know who else was here? Virtually everyone I grew up with. And I learned a valuable lesson: Nothing makes a straight suburban woman in her 50s and on her second (or third) husband happier than having a gay friend to hang with. I was never more popular. Admittedly, there was way too much food and sangria. (Straight women seem to love that.) —hence, the COVID-19 pounds. The point is that it's all about perspective. The bright side was there all along.
It's been a bad year for Wendy Williams. First, she got the coronavirus after telling Dr. Oz she didn't trust the vaccine. Then her Graves' disease flared up. And then "something" kept her shuttered away. But, this is a new Billy—looking at the bright side. This gave my pal Sherri Shepherd an opportunity to do what she does best—jump into any situation and make it better. Sherri's natural light and ebullience brought joy to "Wendy" watchers. But she couldn't take over the show full-time—after all, she lives in California and has a contract with Dish Nation. This meant there were other fill-in hosts. Each and every one made Sherri look even better. Therefore, I am pleased to announce that after The Wendy Williams Show shutters at the end of this season, it will be replaced by a new daytime talk show called Sherri. Congrats!!!
I was happy that Todrick Hall had the opportunity to gain tons of new fans with his appearance on Celebrity Big Brother. Alas, he blew it—pun intended. Virtually every celebrity in the house hated him. While most chalked his behavior up to strategy, Chris Kirkpatrick said Todrick crossed the line when he said Chris' son would be ashamed of him. Todrick sank so low as to quote Shanna's most terrifying moment (when an intruder tried to get into her car) when she was evicted. He was completely shocked by the icy reception and canceled all interviews after his second-place finish. Perhaps Julie "You look beautiful" Chen Moonves said it best: "My heart hurt for him. He was aware and he looked concerned. … I pray he makes any and all amends to those he hurt and that people allow grace and forgiveness." Somehow, I doubt it.
Here's a fun fact—courtesy of that handsome Martha Raddatz on ABC News. Do you know why we're saying "Kyiv" instead of the more commonly used "Kiev?" Apparently, "Kiev" is the Russian name for the city, and "Kyiv" is the Ukrainian name. And I will start using this version when restaurants start serving chicken Kyiv.
For those of you keeping track of such things, last week Broadway featured the first Galinda (whose name later changes to Glinda the Good Witch) of color when Brittney Johnson took over the role in Wicked. Not to be outdone, the first Christine of color joined the cast of Phantom of the Opera last week, as portrayed by Emilie Kouatchou.
Our "Ask Billy" question comes from Karl in Chicago: "I've been watching Pam and Tommy, but when will we see that episode with his talking penis? It sounded weird when you wrote about it. Maybe it got cut."
Tommy is definitely cut, but that's another story. Pam and Tommy is a docuseries on Hulu. Remember when we had miniseries? Now we have docuseries—which I believe is a miniseries you have to pay to see. While I have to give massive props—two massive props, actually—to Lily James as Pamela, let's look a bit closer at Sebastian Stan as Tommy. Karl obviously missed episode two, when Lily and Sebastian re-enact much of the infamous sex tape. At the 19-minute mark, they "reveal" themselves. And two minutes later, Tommy's penis starts talking in the bathroom. The penis is very upset that Tommy wants to settle down with Pamela Anderson. It wants to have some fun with such people as Jenny McCarthy and Denise Richards—apparently, that penis isn't a voting member of the Academy! We know this isn't Sebastian Stan's penis, because we all saw that in the movie Monday. But it's still mighty impressive, and you can see it (and Stan's real one) on BillyMasters.com .
When we can start with a couple of areolae and move south, it's definitely time to end yet another column. All that positivity has left me exhausted. For some real dirt, check out the site that tells (and shows) all. If you have a question, send it to Billy@BillyMasters.com and I promise to get back to you before I get a job plucking Tom Holland's nipples. Until next time, remember: One man's filth is another man's bible.
