"As a gay man, I want to apologize for all the gays on behalf of what we tried to do to her on that boat!"
—Jerrod Carmichael takes a moment out of the Golden Globes to apologize to White Lotus star Jennifer Coolidge, who memorably exclaimed, "These gays—they're trying to murder me!"
Last week was a busy one for celebrity deaths. I don't want to make light of the passing of such luminaries as Adam Rich and Robbie Knievel (Evil's son). I even observed a moment of silence when I heard about Lisa Marie Presley's passing—although, I never thought she looked particularly healthy (or happy).
But I was genuinely sad bidding adieu to my dear friend, Carole Cook. Truly it is no tragedy to go at 98...although it is sad that she was only three days shy of 99. Beyond her extensive work on television (a protegee of Lucille Ball), stage (42nd Street) and film (The Incredible Mr. Limpet), she was a tireless fundraiser in the fight against AIDS and one helluva broad. I once asked her the secret of her success. "I'm a great fuck." We had SO much in common.
The Golden Globes returned to NBC...with a thud. It was one of the least viewed Globes in television history—second only to the year when the awards were handed out at a press conference during the 2008 writers strike. Getting higher ratings than Nancy O'Dell and Billy Bush is a dubious distinction, but one Jerrod Carmichael has to his credit. Opinions were split as to how he did, but if Shelly Miscavige turns up, he'll be lauded a hero. I want to send out special props to Ryan Murphy, who singled out Mj Rodriguez, Billy Porter, Niecy Nash, Matt Bomer and Jeremy Pope in accepting the Carol Burnett Award: "I have dedicated most of my lifetime achievement speech here tonight to these wonderful actors I worked with to make a point of hope and progress." Bravo.
The drama behind the revival of Funny Girl isn't over. While Lea Michele is firmly ensconced in the Broadway production, ladies are lining up to lead the national tour. Despite the success of standby Julie Benko, touring cities want a "name"...but not necessarily a BIG name. People like a Hailee Steinfeld, Chloe Grace Moretz, Dove Cameron, Elle Fanning, Bella Thorne, Camila Mendes, Natalia Dyer, Victoria Justice, Ariel Winter and even Bindi Irwin are vying for the role. Someone not mentioned but who I think would be great is Elizabeth Gillies. Eventually, I'll mention a name someone recognizes.
Somehow Prince Harry managed to be everywhere, talk to everyone, and say absolutely nothing. It's almost as if he purposely granted interviews to the least competent people. The Brit, the heiress, the lisper, the comic—the same old stories. Oh, he is an artful todger—which apparently is a bit shorter than designed (thanks Granny). I'm rarely bored with penis talk, but I almost wanted to knock myself unconscious with my dog's bowl! If he thinks any of these tales are going to mend the rift with his family...well, he should have called the book "Delusional".
Thank God we've unearthed one story Harry left out of his book. According to Las Vegas stripper Carrie Royale, she had a less-than-memorable encounter with the Prince back in 2012. Of course, we all remember Harry's infamous Vegas trip—which clearly did not stay in Vegas. According to Carrie, "I was with him for a good 20 minutes with lots of kissing and fumbling."
Alas, the fumbling didn't lead anywhere. But Carrie did hold onto one prize jewel. No, not the royal jewels. The royal jewels holster. She kept a pair of black boxer briefs that she claims Harry was wearing...at least at the beginning of the night. She previously attempted to auction the undies off last September, but stopped the bidding "out of respect for the Queen."
She's now put them back on the block—"to help remind him of his fun side." She claims that during the course of the night, Harry danced to Michael Jackson's Beat It. If he actually "beat it" while wearing the undies, she could make a small fortune on his DNA!
Our "Ask Billy" question comes from Gary in Tampa: "Have you heard about this nude photo of Pablo Schreiber? Do you have it?"
I'll answer Gary's questions, but first I'm gonna tell a story. A friend of mine used to work for a man who redecorated his home. One day, he brought in some snapshots of the finished rooms to show the staff. In the living room, there was a sliding glass door. Faintly visible in the reflection of the door was what one person thought was a statue of a nude man. On closer inspection, it was obviously a reflection of the photographer—who happened to be nude! Once it was identified to the group, everyone was agog (or aghast, or one of those words that begins with an "a").
The Pablo Schreiber story is very similar. The sexy actor (known for Law & Order: SVU, American Gods, and Orange Is the New Black) posted a photo showing his terrace from behind a sliding glass door. But clearly visible was...WHOOPSIE! As you'll see on BillyMasters.com .
When I'm not wild about Harry, we've definitely come to the end of yet another column. As always, we're willing to show all on www.BillyMasters.com—the site that sports a streak-free shine. If you have a question, send it along to Billy@BillyMasters.com and I promise to get back to you before Prince Harry reveals his Golden Globes. Until next time, remember, one man's filth is another man's bible.
