"If only I'd taken that job at Camp Lejeune."—Billy Masters
You know how people often say that you can't tell if someone is gay by just looking at them? Well, I'm here to tell you that's a load of crap. Sure, there are exceptions. And then there's Herschel Walker's son, Christian. Why, even Helen Keller could tell. (I'd think of a more timely reference, but a Helen Keller joke is an evergreen.) He didn't even have to talk. I saw a still photo of Christian and thought it was of either a gay man or a really pretty extra from The Woman King.
Come closer: I want to share a secret with you. Don't tell anyone I told you, but everyone who is funny wants to be pretty, and every pretty person wants to be funny. The second part isn't always true—because if you're pretty, you probably don't care if you're funny. And then there's Bros—which is definitely funny, but not always pretty. I think Billy Eichner is wildly talented and outrageously funny. He is, in essence, the film's biggest asset … and liability. An industry insider told me that for a theatrically released rom-com to work, the lead has to be a big name or fuckable—"and nobody considers Billy Eichner fuckable," continued the source. And I don't say that as a bad thing. I am probably not considered "fuckable"—certainly not for a wide opening (with the exception of some Jewish holidays). As a performer, you simply have to know your brand. Take Kathy Griffin. She's hysterically funny. And, at times, she's not bad to look at. But she's not going to be cast as the lead in a rom-com. The best friend? Yes. The caustic sidekick? Sure. A romantic lead? Nope.
That's not to say Bros isn't funny or entertaining or appealing. It is all of those things—but first you've got to get people to buy a ticket. And the marketing campaign didn't help. Billy spent most of his interviews talking about how historic it was—a major theatrically released film with a gay lead and an entirely gay cast. Alas, that doesn't sell tickets. Harvey Fierstein echoed this point, according to Deadline: "Is this a history lesson or a movie? I didn't think it was smart." It's been noted that Eichner has made his name by not being particularly likable. Again, not a bad thing. He's done very well with this persona—everyone loves a bitchy queen, especially one as quick-witted as Billy. When the film opened, the gays showed up. Like all rom-coms, it gave average people hope that a Luke Macfarlane would fall for them! But here's the $5-million question (which is what the film brought in its opening weekend): How many of them thought, "Where can I find me a Billy Eichner?" Hands? I rest my case. I predict it will do HUGE numbers on streaming—much to Eichner's chagrin.
Here's something we don't talk about nearly enough—poppers! That's because in many states they are so damn hard to come by … unless you're at a Lil Nas X concert. And you know what that means—fucking in the audience! The rapper posted the following: "I said stop doing poppers, cauz ya asshole don't need to be open while I sing my depression album cuts if yall wanna do weed, molly, shrooms, paint, gasoline [etc]. Knock yourself tf out." Let me make one thing crystal clear—if you wanna do poppers when you see me, go for it … as long as you share!
Get ready for the return of "Billy Masters LIVE." We took the summer off, and then forgot to come back. Look, I have a life (especially when people bring poppers around). We kick off the fall season with James Gavin, author of the best-selling biography George Michael—A Life. Not only is it a great and revealing book about the late singer, but it also features some titillating stories that include moi! Tune in Thursday, Oct. 13, at 2 p.m. CT. You can watch on BillyMasters.com/TV or on YouTube.com/BillyMastersTV. See you there!
Our "Ask Billy" question comes from Rob in Miami: "What do you know about Charlie Puth? I heard there's a nude photo of him on a swing. Is he gay or just gay-friendly?"
I get a lot of questions about Charlie, who has been accused of "queerbaiting." He claims to be inspired by gay culture—particularly the type of music being played in gay clubs (which, apparently, is different). He's allegedly heterosexual and apologizes for his thirsty posts, which are not meant "to antagonize anybody." He just wants to show off the efforts of his very expensive training sessions. As to the swing photo, he is nude—but only from the back. This begs the question: What is he training his ass to do? Find out on BillyMasters.com .
When I'm thinking of a few things I'd train Charlie's ass to do, it's definitely time to end yet another column. I suspect poppers would come in handy. Meanwhile, with all that money he's spending on trainers, you'd think he'd spend a few bucks on a new eyebrow. You'll find both highbrow and lowbrow humor on www.BillyMasters.com—the site that swings both ways. If you have a question, send it along to Billy@BillyMasters.com and I promise to get back to you before Christian calls Herschel "Daddy." So, until next time, remember: One man's filth is another man's bible.
