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  WINDY CITY TIMES

Billy Masters
by Billy Masters
2021-03-29

This article shared 582 times since Mon Mar 29, 2021
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"A little prick is better than no prick at all."—Billy Masters. Yes, that's my new motto when it comes to getting the vaccine. If the promise of a prick of any size doesn't entice you … you're reading the wrong column.

I hate to say I called it, but I called it—Sharon Osbourne has left The Talk. Left/pushed/fired … who knows? But she's out. In a situation that has had more twists and turns than Ratatouille (the film, not the yummy French stew), the sole remaining original co-host is history. But there's more: Several rumors are floating around CBS Studio City. Some people claim the network will use this situation as an excuse to axe the ratings-challenged talker. Another is that a newbie to the panel has designs on running the show. And a third is that creator and former moderator Sara Gilbert will be offered any amount of money to come back. Stay tuned.

There's other trouble in daytime. According to Nielsen (the ratings company—not Brigitte), Ellen has lost roughly 1 MILLION viewers! It bears noting that her season premiere back in September was the highest-rated episode in more than four years. Why? Because everyone wanted to see how Ellen would address the "toxic workplace" claims. They came, they saw, they tuned out. And the ratings plummeted. Troublesome times.

Recently, it was Portia DeRossi DeGeneres who was in trouble. You would already know this story if you were still watching Ellen. This is how DeGeneres opened her show recently: "How was everybody's weekend? Anybody else have to rush their wife to the emergency room for an appendectomy? Anybody? No? Just me?" Yes, just her.

One night, the couple went to bed early. Ellen awoke to find Portia "on the floor on all fours." My first thought was DeRossi was in the mood for a spirited game of leapfrog—because, I must confess, I'm not well-versed in the art of lesbian sex. Turns out, it was neither sexual nor amphibial. Ellen drove Portia to the hospital, but couldn't go in with her due to COVID restrictions. The next morning, she got a call that they'd have to slice Portia open. Bing, bang, boom—appendix out. See all the excitement you miss when don't tune in?

I know you were all watching "Billy Masters LIVE" with special guest Christopher Atkins. I had no idea the whole show would be about penises! Flaccid penises, semi-erect penises and lots of talk about—you guessed it—penises (with numerous visual aids). When preparing for the show, I watched a whole lotta Christopher Atkins, to the point that my carpal tunnel started flaring up. Turns out, he's done loads of full-frontal work, which you know I brought up—and which you can see on BillyMasters.com . We also discussed memorable moments in his past, present and future—which includes writing, directing and reality. And ghosts! Oh, and a juicy story about Gina Lollobrigida! I kid you not. Check it out on our YouTube channel Billy Masters TV or on BillyMasters.com/TV.

Believe it or not, it's our anniversary. Our first official episode was on March 31, 2020. Time flies—in quarantine! So on Thursday, April 1, we've got another episode ripped from the headlines. Have you been following the story of Mack Beggs? He's the trans male wrestler who is fighting for his right to compete against men and not women. Mack will be our special guest, so definitely tune into "Billy Masters LIVE." 'Cause if we're there, we're live.

You may have heard that members of the cast of Glee will reunite to pay tribute to Naya Rivera. However, one person who most certainly will not be in attendance is Lea Michele. Lea and Naya had what could politely be referred to as a combative relationship—and by "combative," think Bette Davis and Joan Crawford. The question is not whether she didn't want to appear—it's if she was asked NOT to. My sources tell me that several members of the cast made it clear—if Lea's involved, they wouldn't participate. But she's more than welcome to watch the GLAAD Media Awards on April 8 at 8 p.m. Eastern on its YouTube channel (or at 10 p.m. on Hulu).

Could it be that this oft-tossed-about himbo is willing to bend over backwards (and forwards) to ensure his show's success? So say people in the know who claim the scruffy stud is glad for the gig and very effusive with his "gratitude." You know who loves that? Producers. And producers' husbands. Often together. That means juggling a lot of balls. Alas, not all guest spots translate into a hit show. Remember, he's been down this road repeatedly, and it's a grizzly business. Sometimes your best work (or all your work) ends up on the cutting room floor.

When truth is bigger than fiction, it's definitely time to end yet another column. If you saw "Billy Masters LIVE," you already know the big news—I got my first dose of the vaccine. It wasn't much of a prick but, as I said earlier, better than no prick at all. If you are prick-free, you can check out a bunch of them on BillyMasters.com—the site that'll give you something to howl about. If you have a question for me, send it along to Billy@BillyMasters.com, and I promise to get back to you before I find someone next to my bed on all fours! Until next time, remember: One man's filth is another man's bible.


This article shared 582 times since Mon Mar 29, 2021
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