Meant to Be,
or Not for Me
You've gone out a few times with Mr. Wonderful, but is he Mr. Right for you? Is it meant to be, or is he not for me? It's a common enough question. I turned to Commitment for Couples by Jonathan Robinson for the answers, to find out what I should be looking for in a mate.
Following are 12 areas most couples fail to discuss, but which most people have the most disagreements about, and which cause the most grief within a relationship. I suggest that everyone write down their answers and discuss them prior to moving in together. While some things may be negotiable between partners, others probably are not.
I've paraphrased his topics and added my own thoughts to better fit the context of a gay relationship.
1) Money Issues: How are money matters decided? Who controls the purse strings? For Gay Men: Often gay men make disparate incomes, it can become an issue with vacations, dining out and housing choices. An issue of the "haves" and "have-nots."
2. Sexual Libido: Are your sex drives compatible? For Gay Men: Open vs. monogamous relationships? Condom Usage?
3) Healing the hurt, or as I like to call it, calming the queen. What to do/say when your boyfriend is upset. Does he need to be left alone? Hugged?
4) Showing affection and love. No, this is not the same as sexual libido. What should your boyfriend do to show you affection and love? How do they prove to you that they love you? How often?
5) Children: If one of you has kids, who decides about punishment and discipline? Will both partners be involved in active parenting, if so, what responsibilities will each take on? For gay men: To have, or have not? To adopt, or not? Does either man want or have
kids. Also, how to deal with the ex-wife.
6) Define Relationship Success: How do you know you're happy and content with your boyfriend, what defines this? It can be a list of things. But each individual needs to know what will make him happy with the other person.
7) Listening Skills: How and how much should one partner be required to listen to the other? For Gay Men: Do you have to listen for hours about his decision to buy a yellow Calvin Klein over a blue DKNY shirt?
8) Major Problems and Decisions Affecting the Couple: How are they handled? Does one person make the decision, is it a joint decision, who has final say?
9) Time: How much time is spent together? Alone? This can be on a daily, weekly, monthly basis.
10) TV usage: How much time should each partner spend watching television? Again, this can be on a daily, weekly, monthly basis. It all goes to the expectation you have of your partner.
11) Alcohol/drug use. Allowed or disallowed? If allowed, how much is acceptable?
12) Help!: How do you ask your boyfriend for favors, what can he say that will make you want to help him, and vice versa. Robinson suggests that if you can agree on the handling of these issues, you should be able to create a harmonious and happy relationship.
Unless, of course, you're both drama queens!
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