As a freshman in high school, I had a locker next to a tall, dark sex god. He made having acne and playing basketball in gym worthwhile.
One day, as I rooted around in my locker for my biology text, he turns to me and asks plainly, 'I have an eight -inch penis. Do you want to suck it?'
Although what I heard at that moment was the stuff of every 'strange' fantasy I had had for two years, I muttered something stupid about having a headache and ran off with my tail between my legs (not his). I've sworn that if I ever ran into him again, hopefully while drunk, I would inquire about the statute of limitations on his offer. But the realist in me knows that I will have to file this under 'missed opportunities' and move on.
It does help to know that we all have that one that got away, that moment for which it would be worth it to start all over again just to do it right.
While out last weekend, I talked with several of you, who shared with me similar stories of woe.
Robert at Bobby Love's told me, 'I was 20 years old and I met a German soldier on a hiking trail. We spent all day together and he invited me back to his house. When he asked if he could help me out of my pajamas, I nervously said, 'No no, I'm fine, I'm fine' and felt so embarrassed that I left.' Sometimes a simple slip of the tongue can prevent the slipping of two tongues.
Over at Touche, Eio served this one up: 'I was bartending one night, when I met two cops who were definitely interested in me, until they found I was into certain shit. I actually scared them. One was 6'1' and one was 6'4'. They had no idea how kinky Eio gets.' For the full story, stop into Touche and have Eio fill in the blanks for you.
Chandelle shared this two-headed missed opportunity. 'I met a girl from England in a bar and we were making out. I invited her back to my place and she said she wasn't that kind of girl. Two days later, she sent an e-mail from back in England saying she was sorry she missed it.' Don't worry, Chandelle. You certainly weren't the loser in that story.
Charles at Touche, having learned from bitter experience, warns, 'Don't go out with your ex-lover. He's a hindrance.' Oh, the green valleys he could have grazed had it not been for that sheep dog of an ex hanging around. When it's over, kids, it's over.
Here's an unfortunate situation we've all found ourselves in. At the Eagle I met Chad, aka Mr. International Rubber 2000, who says, 'During IML I met this really hot guy at the Market. Active duty Air Force! We exchanged numbers. But I was so busy with work. When I saw him the last night at the Black and Blue Ball, I had no energy left and I knew I would disappoint him. Nothing happened.' So sadly enough, all work and no play made Chad a dull Mr. International Rubber 2000.
It seems we all have those moments in time we'll forever regret. So if your greatest fantasy is to be spanked by a certain Nightspots columnist while eating peanut butter and listening to Grace Jones, don't miss your chance! There's already enough tragedy in this world.