"Good things don't end unless they end badly."—Ben from The Bachelorette tells Ashley his feelings after being dumped during the season finale. He should be relieved he doesn't have to stand there and watch her endlessly twirl those rosebuds betwixt her fingers. I fingered a rosebud recently, but you're certainly not gonna see that on network TV!
Have I told you how popular I am with the deaf community? I suppose that's no surprise to anyone who's ever seen me live—I'm told my comedy is very "visual." And let's be honest, not having to hear me can only make me more appealing! In my personal life, I'm quite appealing to the blind. In fact, the one person who gave me money after sex was a blind man, but that's probably because I was nice to his dog. Obviously the blind can appreciate a thing of beauty such as moi. But what about paintings? I would think not—it's not a sculpture they can feel, like in that Lionel Richie video. Yet this hasn't stopped Italy from posting most museum signs in Italian, German, French, English and Braille! I'll tell you now, those wacky Italians wouldn't stand for anyone fondling the David...trust me, I know. Because I also saw the sign that says "Do Not Touch"—which is also in Braille!!
I'm not sure exactly what handicap Jeremy Jackson has, and frankly I don't care—he's hot enough for me to overlook his obvious deficiencies. When he was filming Celebrity Rehab, he brought a large water filter with him. Why? Because he believes bottled water causes bisexuality! "The plastic leeches and causes cancer and bisexuality. It's been linked directly." Really? Directly where? I'm not sure drinking bottled water will cause him to crave sex with men, but it very well may cause him to fantasize about the bottle!
There has been much speculation about what Rosie O'Donnell's new OWN show will be like. When it debuts Oct. 10, you can expect much of what you saw on her very successful daytime talk show—prior to the Columbine breakdown, naturally. She plans to keep it light, give away loads of gifts, play games, feature lots of comedy and keep things as entertaining as possible. Given the success of Oprah: Behind the Scenes, Rosie plans to allow viewers access to how the show is put together. Something tells me that will be VERY entertaining!
Another long-awaited return to Broadway is taking place with Patti LuPone and Mandy Patinkin. No, it's not The Prime of Miss Eva Peron, or a musical version of Driving Miss Daisy. Nope—the twosome will be bringing their double act to Broadway's Ethel Barrymore Theatre Nov. 21 for a limited run of 63 performances. "An Evening with Patti LuPone and Mandy Patinkin" will mark the first time the two have appeared on Broadway together since their legendary "Evita" run. Yet, when they first started performing this act, they didn't initially include ANYTHING from "Evita"—to the consternation of the paying public. Now, alongside extended scenes from "Carousel" and "South Pacific," an "Evita" sequence has been included.
Brace yourselves—it's time for another installment of "Fayewatch." The 70-year-old actress may be on a hiatus professionally, but that hasn't kept the darling Miss Dunaway out of the headlines. She's just been named in an eviction lawsuit by her NYC landlord. Oh, you didn't know Faye had a New York pied-à-terre? Apparently she's never there and it's usually occupied by her son. The problem is, it's a rent stabilized apartment which is intended for people who make New York their primary residence—and we all know Faye's home is really Los Angeles, where she pays taxes and has voted since the suffragette movement. The litigant claims he could be getting two times the $1,048.72 rent Faye is currently paying, so he's suing to have her evicted. La Dunaway, not one to take these things lying down, called the New York Times with her side. After calling her accuser a slumlord, she said, "I have not been evicted. I have chosen to leave because of the state of the apartment", adding that "bugs were everywhere." The landlord's lawyer then called the Times and played them three voice mails Faye left the previous day in which she offered to turn in her apartment keys, but added—in that way only Faye can—"I hope you need that money like crazy and you'll give it to poor people. I hope you have a terrible life."
This reminded me of that legendary phone message Faye left for that documentary filmmaker where she complained about the focus on Mommie Dearest, any discussion of her ex-husband Terry O'Neill, and the sensationalistic tone of the piece. Here's what we didn't know at the time—that message, too, was part of a multi-message string. One which certainly is required listening for all fans and can be found on BillyMasters.com .
I haven't mentioned my buddy Scott Herman in a while. You remember Scott—that insanely gorgeous fitness model from "The Real World—Brooklyn" who can be found giving workout tips on ScottHermanFitness.com . Anyhoo, he's been the victim of a gay hate crime—which rarely happens to heterosexual men. But when you look like Scott, most people make the assumption that he plays for our team. (Isn't it funny how that's the image of gay men now?)
He was in his native New Hampshire driving around in his Toyota Scion, which has his image and logo wrapped around it, when three guys in a pick-up truck started taunting him at a red light; entered his car; and began a verbal and physical attack. He got away from the guys, but not before taking down their license number. After reporting the attack, he said, "I take my involvement with the LGBT community on anti-bullying very serious which is why I spoke out." I'm writing about it simply to have an excuse to post a few skin shots of Scott (where you can see pretty much everything) on BillyMasters.com .
When people hate Scott just because he's beautiful, it's definitely time to end yet another column. If I post this article on www.BillyMasters.com, then you'll know I returned to the States in one piece ... and then will take my piece down to Ptown for my annual trip with various glitterati, including the divine Marilyn Maye who will be performing at the Art House Aug. 11-12. If you have a question you want me to tackle, send a note to Billy@BillyMasters.com and I promise to get back to you before Faye stops leaving voice mails and starts tweeting! So, until next time, remember, one man's filth is another man's bible.
