The grass is always greener on the other Side; but if your boyfriend has been hanging out there, the grass is also younger, fitter, better employed, more popular and gifted with a raging sex drive.
A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush, but, like an Aborigine you left the bush years ago, so who cares?
Don't borrow trouble. Cause it.
You can't have your cake and eat it too, because then you might gain six pounds and have to start hanging at bear bars. Ice cream, however, is an entirely different food, as are Twinkies, Ding Dongs, Ring Dings, Ho Hos and M&Ms (original and peanut).
When life hands you lemons, make lemonade, mix it with hemlock and force life to drink it Socrates-style.
Look both ways before crossing the street, but if you're a chicken, don't bother crossing. The hawk will bring the other side to you.
The hand that rocks the cradle rules the world. The hand that robs it gets 15 to 20, so check his ID.
Never eat yellow snow, unless you're a polar bear and into water sports.
Better the devil you know than the devil you don't. This is because the devil you know is also up to no good and you have plenty of dirt on her. The devil you don't know might tell your boyfriend.
Do unto others as you'd have them do unto you (does not apply to exclusive tops).
When it rains, it pours, so play that way in the shower.
Wherever you go, there you are … and girl, you look fabulous!
You can't teach an old dog new tricks. He has to start paying for them at some point.
Curiosity killed the cat; satisfaction brought it back ... so later that week the cat went out clubbing again and huffed a lot more curiosity, this time passing out on the dance floor. Satisfaction was pissed and decided the cat would need to start learning its own lessons if it was ever going to grow up, so he left with a young cub and let the bar deal with the cat.
There's no use crying over spilt milk; spilt white Russians, however, are worth every tear.
Speak of the devil and the devil appears, angry that you were speaking about him because he don't need none'a that high-school drama bullshit, OK? Also, this devil brought along the devil you don't know (see above). That's right, yes I did.
Too many cooks spoil the broth: limit your orgies to five.
Don't shit where you eat, even if he's into that weird German stuff.
Happiness is not a fish that you can catch. It is a young, buff stud with a natural smile and a complete willingness to do what you say, and he can be caught with a few of those slushies from Sidetrack.
Don't count your chickens before they hatch. Wait until you're certain they're 18.
There's more than one way to skin a cat, but the best is while it's high on curiosity.
If you love something, let it go. If it loves you, it will turn around to come back, stop at the other side along the way and forget you ever existed.
The postman always rings twice. No, wait … that's a movie.
Homer can be reached at email@example.com .